Barney Quote #1899

Quote from Barney in The Bro Mitzvah

Barney: Everyone, everyone, thank you for an incredible bro mitzvah.
Ted: Mazel brov!
All: Mazel brov!
Barney: Mm, oh, you didn't really get everything on the list. No offense to Ralph Macchio, but he ain't the Karate Kid.
William Zabka: I couldn't agree with you more. [starts to remove clown make-up] You know, they almost didn't get me. But after 18 voice mails, I returned Robin's call. And she told me how you're one of the few people in the world who truly gets The Karate Kid movie. So when she asked if I'd help, well, my answer just had to be... Hai!
Barney: William Zabka!

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Features in the collection: Barney Stinson and The Karate Kid.

‘Barney Stinson and The Karate Kid’

Quote from Barney in The Stinsons

Marshall: Let me get this straight. You're really telling me that when you watch The Karate Kid, you don't root for Daniel-san?
Barney: Nope.
Marshall: Who do you root for in Die Hard?
Barney: Hans Gruber, charming international bandit. At the end, he died hard. He's the title character.
Lily: Okay, The Breakfast Club?
Barney: The teacher running detention. He's the only guy in the whole movie wearing a suit.
Robin: I got one. Terminator.
Barney: What's the name of the movie, Robin? Who among us didn't shed a tear when his little red eye went out at the end and he didn't get to kill those people? [sobbing] I'm sorry. That movie...
Ted: I am never watching a movie with you ever again.
Barney: They didn't even try to help him!

Quote from Barney in The Bro Mitzvah

Marshall: Another guest? Who could this be? Why, it's Lily! And she's here to deliver one of your requests!
Barney: Oh, thank you, Marshall.
Lily: Oh, not that one.
[flashback to ten months earlier:]
Barney: An appearance by my all-time idol, the Karate Kid!
Future Ted: [v.o.] The Karate Kid was an uplifting '80s classic about a teen, played by Ralph Macchio, who defeats the local jerk, played by William Zabka. At least, that's how most people saw it.
Lily: Here he is, just as hot as when his Tiger Beat photo spread gave a young girl the courage to explore the suddenly unfamiliar topography of her changing body... the Karate Kid!
Ralph Macchio: Hey, Barney. It's Ralph. Listen, it's always flattering...
Barney: No! I hate Ralph Macchio! I hate him, hate him, hate him! He is not the Karate Kid! The Karate Kid was William Zabka, star pupil of the Cobra Kai Dojo, who this monster defeated with a cheap, illegal head-kick in the most tragically haunting film ending of all time.
Ralph Macchio: Oh, see, I thought you meant fun-crazy.
Barney: Shut it, Ralph Macchio. Why don't you go have a party with Luke Skywalker and Harry Potter and War Horse and all the other movie bad guys and stop ruining mine!

 ‘The Bro Mitzvah’ Quotes

Quote from Barney

Marshall: Another guest? Who could this be? Why, it's Lily! And she's here to deliver one of your requests!
Barney: Oh, thank you, Marshall.
Lily: Oh, not that one.
[flashback to ten months earlier:]
Barney: An appearance by my all-time idol, the Karate Kid!
Future Ted: [v.o.] The Karate Kid was an uplifting '80s classic about a teen, played by Ralph Macchio, who defeats the local jerk, played by William Zabka. At least, that's how most people saw it.
Lily: Here he is, just as hot as when his Tiger Beat photo spread gave a young girl the courage to explore the suddenly unfamiliar topography of her changing body... the Karate Kid!
Ralph Macchio: Hey, Barney. It's Ralph. Listen, it's always flattering...
Barney: No! I hate Ralph Macchio! I hate him, hate him, hate him! He is not the Karate Kid! The Karate Kid was William Zabka, star pupil of the Cobra Kai Dojo, who this monster defeated with a cheap, illegal head-kick in the most tragically haunting film ending of all time.
Ralph Macchio: Oh, see, I thought you meant fun-crazy.
Barney: Shut it, Ralph Macchio. Why don't you go have a party with Luke Skywalker and Harry Potter and War Horse and all the other movie bad guys and stop ruining mine!

Quote from Barney

Ted: But don't worry. Back when you were engaged to Quinn, you told us everything you wanted for tonight.
[flashback to ten months earlier:]
Barney: A bachelor party is a man's... bro mitzvah!
Quinn: Did you just think of that?
Barney: Totally! We can wear... bro-mulkes, spin the bro-del... and consult the wisdom of the Bro-rah. Written in... He-bro.
Ted: Not at all bro-ffensive.
Barney: Ooh, ooh! Couple other ideas, and I'm just spit balling here... so take 'em or leave 'em. Booze, duh, cigars, duh, strippers, duh... Ooh! Things should get so crazy that at some point we should fear for our lives.

 Barney Stinson Quotes

Quote from How I Met Everyone Else

Barney: There's no way she's above the line on the hot-crazy scale.
Ted: She's not even on the hot-crazy scale. She's just hot.
Robin: Wait, hot-crazy scale?
Barney: Let me illustrate. A girl is allowed to be crazy, as long as she is equally hot. Thus, if she's this crazy, she has to be this hot. If she's this crazy, she has to be this hot. You want the girl to be above this line, also known as the Vicky Mendoza diagonal. This girl I dated, she played jump rope with that line. She'd shave her head, then lose ten pounds. She'd stab me with a fork, then get a boob job. I should give her a call.

Quote from The Three Days Rule

Ted: Barney, the three days rule is insane. I mean, who even came up with that?
Barney: Jesus.
Marshall: Barney, don't do this. Not with Jesus.
Barney: Seriously. Jesus started the whole wait 3 days thing. He waited 3 days to come back to life. It was perfect. If he have only waited one day, a lot of people wouldn't have even heard that he died. They'd be all, "Jesus, what up?" And Jesus would probably be, like, "What up? I died yesterday". And then they'd be all, "Uh, you look pretty alive to me, dude". And then he would have to explain how he was resurrected and how it was a miracle. And then, the dude would be, like, "Okay, whatever you say, bro".
Robin: Wow, ancient dialogue sounds so stilted now.
Barney: And he's not going to come back on a Saturday. Everybody's busy doing chores. Working the loom, trimming their beards. No. He waits the exact right number of days... Three.
Ted: OK, I promise, I'll wait three days. Just please stop talking.
Barney: Plus, it's Sunday, so everyone's in church already. They're all in there, "Oh, no, Jesus is dead". Then, bam! He bursts through the back door, runs up the aisle. Everyone's totally psyched. And, FYI, that's when he invented the high-five. Three days, Ted. We wait three days to call a woman because that's how long Jesus wants us to wait. True story.