Barney Quote #1872
Lily: Guys, The Captain just made me a very interesting offer.
Barney: Finally, we get around to the real reason he hired you. Just promise you film it, and please use a tripod. There's nothing artistic about shaky-cam. It just looks sloppy.
Quote from The Captain
Lily: Okay, I'm gonna call The Captain, get this over with.
The Captain: [answers phone] Ahoy.
Lily: Hello, Captain?
The Captain: Lily, I hope you're not calling to harpoon our big move to Rome.
Lily: Thank you, but I can't ask my husband to abandon his career.
The Captain: Would you like me to try and convince him? I'm very persuasive.
Lily: I'm sorry, the ship has sailed.
The Captain: What's that mean?
Lily: Well, you know, "The ship has sailed"? That it's over and there's nothing you can do?
The Captain: What a peculiar expression. Well, thanks for all your hard work, Lily. I've never been good at good-byes, so... [hangs up]
Quote from Marshall
Marshall: So, how many times are you gonna say no to your dream job? I'm just trying to plan my day.
Lily: I'm a scaredy-cat, okay? I want to be the type of person that just charges fearlessly into the unknown, but I came back two weeks early from Paris because I was lonely. I went to San Francisco, and I was never more depressed in my life. I'm small town, Marshall. I'm a hick from Brooklyn who's terrified of living more than ten subway stops from where I was born.
Marshall: Okay, Lily, if I can move from St. Cloud, Minnesota, to New York City, then you can move to Rome.
Lily: We know nothing about Italy. We have no friends there. We don't speak the language.
Marshall: [in Italian] "Come on, bro. Don't Bogart all the Funyuns."
Lily: Okay, so you know that one sentence. Can you say anything else?
Marshall: [haltingly, in Italian] "Come on. "Bro." "Don't Bogart all the Funyuns."
Lily: That-that was the same sentence. You just changed the inflection.
Marshall: [repeating the same Italian words] "Okay. I know. Maybe the only sentence I know is 'Come on, bro. Don't Bogart all the Funyuns.' But I know, in my heart, that you understand me anyway. Because no one has ever understood anyone better than you and I understand each other. Is the trip going to be scary? Yes. Do I like the idea of not knowing the language? Of course not. But I believe we can do this. I love you, Lily. I love you.
Lily: I love you, too. All right.
Quote from How I Met Everyone Else
Barney: There's no way she's above the line on the hot-crazy scale.
Ted: She's not even on the hot-crazy scale. She's just hot.
Robin: Wait, hot-crazy scale?
Barney: Let me illustrate. A girl is allowed to be crazy, as long as she is equally hot. Thus, if she's this crazy, she has to be this hot. If she's this crazy, she has to be this hot. You want the girl to be above this line, also known as the Vicky Mendoza diagonal. This girl I dated, she played jump rope with that line. She'd shave her head, then lose ten pounds. She'd stab me with a fork, then get a boob job. I should give her a call.
Quote from The Three Days Rule
Ted: Barney, the three days rule is insane. I mean, who even came up with that?
Marshall: Barney, don't do this. Not with Jesus.
Barney: Seriously. Jesus started the whole wait 3 days thing. He waited 3 days to come back to life. It was perfect. If he have only waited one day, a lot of people wouldn't have even heard that he died. They'd be all, "Jesus, what up?" And Jesus would probably be, like, "What up? I died yesterday". And then they'd be all, "Uh, you look pretty alive to me, dude". And then he would have to explain how he was resurrected and how it was a miracle. And then, the dude would be, like, "Okay, whatever you say, bro".
Robin: Wow, ancient dialogue sounds so stilted now.
Barney: And he's not going to come back on a Saturday. Everybody's busy doing chores. Working the loom, trimming their beards. No. He waits the exact right number of days... Three.
Ted: OK, I promise, I'll wait three days. Just please stop talking.
Barney: Plus, it's Sunday, so everyone's in church already. They're all in there, "Oh, no, Jesus is dead". Then, bam! He bursts through the back door, runs up the aisle. Everyone's totally psyched. And, FYI, that's when he invented the high-five. Three days, Ted. We wait three days to call a woman because that's how long Jesus wants us to wait. True story.