[title card: "The Damsel in Distress":]
Barney: Hey, Robin, I just got your text. What's the big emergency?
Patrice: Hi, Barney! You seem like you run fast. Do you want me to fan you with my US magazine?
Robin: He's fine.
Barney: Thanks, Patrice.
Robin: Oh, thank goodness you're here. I just got this new printer, and I need somebody big and strong to take it to my office for me. I promise to repay you.
Patrice: We'll do it for you, Robin!
Robin: Don't you have a late-breaking weather story to cover, Brandi?
Brandi: Oh, I did it already. It rained.
Barney: Oh, I got to jump on a big Brobibs conference call. The lawyer from Dude Aprons is really busting my balls. See ya.
Robin: Nobody asked for your help, Patrice! You either, Brandi!

Robin: She can't see that Barney is using her, and it breaks my heart. You know, I love Patrice. We're like sisters.
Ted: You've never gotten through even one exchange without screaming at her.
Robin: Sisters fight, Ted! But the bond is always there.

Ted: The ring! What's, what's, what's the ring?
Barney: Right, the ring. I'm gonna ask Patrice to marry me.
Both: Are you serious?
Barney: Jinx! Good! I need to say some things without you interrupting. Yes, I am serious. I know that if you could talk, you'd say that I'm crazy or that I'm overcorrecting or that I'm moving too fast. But you would be wrong. Look, I have banged my way through every bimbo in the tristate area, and it left me feeling nothing but, but broken. But now, with Patrice, for the first time in my life, I feel settled and happy. I want to feel this way forever. So tomorrow night on the roof of the World Wide News building - that's Patrice's favorite spot - I'm gonna ask her to marry me. Ah, poot-tu-tat! You're jinxed. I'll unjinx you if you'll follow these two rules: One, you can't try to talk me out of it; and two, you can't tell anybody. Agreed? It's a jinx swear, so if you break it, I get to hit you in the nuts three times with a Wiffle ball bat. Thank you... Ted.

Robin: Hey, guys, look, it's Bar... none, my favorite non-speaking jinxed person in the world. How was your day?
[Barney energetically mouths: "I'll tell you how my day was, you bastards. I spent an hour in a taxi unable to tell him where to go. So I got reamed out at work for being late. But at least when they asked who was too busy to work this weekend, I couldn't say anything, so that's my Sunday! Now I beg of you, in the words of the almighty Destiny's Child... Say my name!"]
Ted: Yeah, I didn't get a word of that.
Robin: Sorry, buddy.

Waitress: Can I get you guys anything to drink?
Marshall & Barney: Scotch, neat.
Marshall: Jinx.
Lily: Oh, my... God.
Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, you may be wondering why five adults in their 30s would take a jinx so seriously. It all started one day five years ago.
[flashback to Marshall, Lily and Barney watching TV in the apartment:]
Marshall & Barney: Ooh, Van Helsing.
Marshall: Jinx. You're jinxed. That means that you can't speak until someone who was present for the jinx says your name, or else you will have very bad luck.
Barney: [scoffs] That's ridiculous. [Marshall and Lily gasp]
Barney: You broke the jinx. Marshall, I'm a grown-ass man. I'm on my building's co-op board. When I say a Pinot Noir tastes luxuriously earthy with a hint of rhubarb, I'm not faking it. I've had several of the same sexual partners as Henry Kissinger. I'm not about to stop talking just because I was jinxed.
[flashback to Barney being hit by a bus]
Future Ted: Barney broke three limbs and two vertebrae, but he never broke another jinx. In fact, he started taking jinxes way too seriously.