Lily: Look, Ted, it gets exhausting constantly giving people advice they haven't asked for, so I'm training Marshall.
Marshall: My goal is to eventually say things that are so sassy and wise, that there is no possible response other than "mm" or "mm-hmm". And if this is a place where we can share our dreams - I like to think that it is - I hope someday to earn a "testify".

Victoria: There's a reason that you're not a hundred percent in this with me, Ted. Something's holding us back.
Ted: Well, what is it? I think we've established I'm not great at picking up on clues... Well, in this situation. As a kid, I was known as a bit of a detective. In fact, when my friend's retainer went missing, the Mosby Boys were put
on the case, and it was...
Victoria: The retainer was in the garbage. The Mosby Boys were you, your sister, and a neighborhood squirrel you thought you had tamed.
Ted: I can't believe Squirrel-lock Holmes turned on us like that. Eight weeks of training down the drain.

Barney: Guys, I've got a new bro. A bro that puts all other bros to shame. The bitches love him. [laughs] He buries bones all day. [giggles] No one chases tail like him. Why aren't you guys laughing? Oh, wait, I probably should have led with this: He's a dog. I've named him Brover. I'll go... fetch him.