Barney: We're going to Sascha's.
Ted: Who the hell is Sascha?
Barney: Sascha. [points to security woman] She's having friends over for drinks at her house. It's gonna be legen- wait for it, and I hope you're not lactose intolerant 'cause the second half of that word is -dairy!

Robin: Wait, think about it. The first time Barney gave us that drink, those hangovers all happened at the worst possible moments. Remember? Marshall thought he botched day two of the bar exam, so he freaked out that night and got wasted?
[flashback:]
Marshall: Now I'm gonna miss the last day of the bar. I'll never be a lawyer. I should just go back to being a manager at Structure. That "10 percent off all vests" sale? That was my idea. As was cutting the arms off the shirts that weren't selling. That's where I belong.
Barney: No, Marshall, you're gonna be a lawyer.
[flashback:]
Robin: Ugh. No, I can't do it.
Barney: Yes, you can. Your first day back, live on the air, is gonna be legen... Wait for it.
[flashback:]
Barney: Dary. Your kindergarten field trip to the Jackhammer and Siren Museum today is gonna be legendary.
[flashback:]
Ted: No, it's not. Nothing's ever gonna be legendary again, I'm never gonna recover from this.
Barney: It's just a hangover, Ted.
Ted: Not that. I got left at the altar, Barney. I'm now a guy who got left at the altar. There's no coming back from that.
Barney: Drink this. You're gonna be okay.

Lily: Damn it, Ted. I was okay with you e-mailing my aunt, my cousins, and your cousins, and the guy that Robin thought was Neil Young. But my father is the absolute worst person to have around in any sort of medical situation. When I was seven, I needed to have my tonsils out.
[flashback:]
Young Lily: Daddy, I'm scared.
Mickey: Aw, Princess, I would be too. I've researched this surgery. Anything can happen. You could bleed to death... You could have your jaw removed due to infection... And the anesthesia could suddenly just stop working, much like your mom's and my marriage. [laughs] You do know that we're getting a divor... Don't worry about it. We'll talk about it after the surgery.

Ted: Let's get you to the hospital.
Lily: Oh, I can't go yet. I talked to Dr. Sonya. They won't admit me until my contractions are four minutes apart.
Robin: Okay, well, if you don't make it in time, I have got you covered. When I was 13, my father caught me kissing a boy, so he sent me to our family's ranch for foaling season. Once you see a baby horse erupt through that birth canal, you stop even touching yourself. Anyway, I had skinny arms, so I got up there elbow deep. I lost this watch birthing Blacky...
Lily: Okay, stop it. I am not a farm animal. [grunts]
Robin: Oh, there we go. Easy girl. Sugar cube?

Lily: Tell me a story now!
Ted: Oh! Remember the time Barney tried to pick up girls as the Terminator?
[flashback to a completely naked Barney in the alley behind MacLaren's:]
Barney: [Austrian accent] Come with me if you want to bang.