[title card: "The Damsel in Distress":]
Barney: Hey, Robin, I just got your text. What's the big emergency?
Patrice: Hi, Barney! You seem like you run fast. Do you want me to fan you with my US magazine?
Robin: He's fine.
Barney: Thanks, Patrice.
Robin: Oh, thank goodness you're here. I just got this new printer, and I need somebody big and strong to take it to my office for me. I promise to repay you.
Patrice: We'll do it for you, Robin!
Robin: Don't you have a late-breaking weather story to cover, Brandi?
Brandi: Oh, I did it already. It rained.
Barney: Oh, I got to jump on a big Brobibs conference call. The lawyer from Dude Aprons is really busting my balls. See ya.
Robin: Nobody asked for your help, Patrice! You either, Brandi!

Robin: She can't see that Barney is using her, and it breaks my heart. You know, I love Patrice. We're like sisters.
Ted: You've never gotten through even one exchange without screaming at her.
Robin: Sisters fight, Ted! But the bond is always there.

Future Ted: [v.o.] And Marshall and Lily explained. It all started ten years earlier. They had been looking for a new hobby they could do as a couple.
[flashback to Ted wearing winter sports gear in the apartment with a bored Lily and Marshall:]
Ted: I already missed the beginner's lesson. Maybe I shouldn't even go. Ah, screw it. I've seen the Olympics.
I know what I'm doing. I'm going skiing, bitches! [exits]
Lily: He's gonna break his leg.
Marshall: He's not gonna break his leg.
Lily: 20 bucks says he does.
Marshall: "Lily bets Marshall that Ted will break his leg skiing." [they shake hands]
[12 hours later, Ted's entire upper body is in a cast and he's wearing a neck brace:]
Ted: You would be amazed. People fall off ski lifts all the time. Well, I gotta hit the head.
Lily: Well, he didn't break his leg. [gives Marshall money]
Marshall: Yeah, I gotta say that, um, making money off this bet just makes me feel...
Lily: More alive than you've felt in years?
Marshall: Yes!
Lily: New hobby!
Marshall: We need a cash box, some glitter and some glue!

Ted: Damn it, Lily, why are you rooting against me?
Lily: I'm not rooting against you.
Ted: Yes, you are.
Lily: No, I'm not.
Future Ted: [v.o.] Yes, she was. You see, at that very moment...
[elsewhere, in Marshall and Lily's house:]
Barney: "Long-term bets"? "Lily bets Marshall that Barney will die by murder", "Marshall bets Lily that Robin will never return the hair dryer", "Lily bets Marshall that Ted'll go bald, "Marshall bets Lily that if Ted goes bald, he'll totally pull it off" My God! They're placing bets on our lives. And I'm sorry, Ted cannot pull off bald. You know Ted.
I'm right about this. [cleaners laugh]
[at MacLaren's:]
Lily: Ted, I'm your best friend. Why would I root against you?
[back:]
Barney: "Lily bets Marshall that Ted and Robin won't end up together."
Future Ted: [v.o.] That's why.

Lily: I'm going into the city. Just, while I'm gone, don't go snooping around in our stuff. I know you think we have a sex tape hidden somewhere, so I'll save you the trouble. We don't. Good-bye. [rewind]
Future Ted: [v.o.] Here's that moment from Barney's perspective.
Lily: [droning] We have a sex tape hidden somewhere. [droning]
Barney: Challenge accepted.