Robin: You have to go home and get to bed.
Barney: Oh, Robin, my simple friend from the untamed north, let me tell you about a little thing I like to call mind over body. You see, whenever I start feeling sick, I just stop being sick and be awesome instead. True story. Yeah, in two minutes, I'm going to pound a sixer of Red Bull, hop in a cab, play a couple of hours of laser tag, maybe get a spray-on tan. It's gonna be legen... Wait for it... [Barney falls asleep]

Barney: We're going to Sascha's.
Ted: Who the hell is Sascha?
Barney: Sascha. [points to security woman] She's having friends over for drinks at her house. It's gonna be legen- wait for it, and I hope you're not lactose intolerant 'cause the second half of that word is -dairy!

Ted: So that's it. No more Marshall.
Robin: No more Lily.
Barney: They're gone. Which means... no lame married couple shooting down all my amazing ideas. Guys, great news. I'm the new leader of the gang!
["how i met your barney" credits roll:]
Barney: [singing] Ba...ba...ba.. Ba...Barney is the new leader of the gang And life just got way more awesome. Yeah!

Barney: Enough! I am sick of you two wallowing in sadness, instead of doing the healthy thing and pretending anyone who leaves you never existed in the first place.
Kevin: I hate to agree with Barney's near-paralyzing abandonment issues, but he has a point. You can't just stop living because two of your friends moved away.
Barney: Precisely. [pre-ciss-ley] Now, as new group leader, I say we go out and do something that we never would have done with Marshall and Lily here. Ooh. Remember that amazing idea I had that one time?
[every night since 2005:]
Barney: Let's go to a strip club.
Lily: Nope.
[present:]
Barney: So what do you say? Let's declare our independence with an on-da-peen dance. On-the-peen dance.
Robin: No, we got it. We got it.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, when he found out she was pregnant, Lily's estranged father unexpectedly showed up on her doorstep. It was a gesture she appreciated. But after two weeks, they'd had just about enough.
Mickey: That has to go there to cover up the splintery floorboard. And you can't hang this picture here. This isn't plaster; it's dried toothpaste. Guys, you're so lucky I'm here. I grew up in this house. I know it like the back of my hand. And this lamp absolutely cannot be here.
Marshall: Why not?
Mickey: It blocks my view of the Widow Rodriguez doing her Jane Fonda workouts.
Lily: Isn't she a little old, Dad?
Mickey: Oh, you didn't see her when I was a kid. In my mind, she'll always be 54.