Barney Quote #1540
Barney: Okay, Nora and Kevin are gonna be here any minute.
Robin: I thought I could handle this, but I can't.
Barney: Okay, um, here's the plan. We'll grab one of the lifeboats, get back to shore, destroy the tape of us doing it...
Robin: There's a tape of us doing it?
Barney: ...and we'll start a new life together. Somewhere simple and homey, like Vermont or Dubai.
Quote from Marshall
Marshall: Oh, no. I think that sandwich was laced with other stuff. Like, hard meats.
Ted: What do you mean?
Marshall: Well, usually after a sandwich, I feel paranoid. But I'm not. [grabs Ted] Why am I not feeling paranoid?!
Quote from Barney
Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, Einstein was right. Time moves at different speeds. To Barney, the previous night raced by in a blur. But then, all of a sudden, time stopped.
Robin: This might be the worst thing I've ever done.
Barney: Hey, now, you weren't at the top of your game, but it was still pretty...
Robin: Oh, my God! I just cheated on Kevin. He is the nicest guy ever. I'm a terrible person.
Barney: It's okay. We both cheated. What's that saying about two wrongs making a right?
Robin: "Two wrongs don't make a right"?
Barney: No, that's not it.
Quote from How I Met Everyone Else
Barney: There's no way she's above the line on the hot-crazy scale.
Ted: She's not even on the hot-crazy scale. She's just hot.
Robin: Wait, hot-crazy scale?
Barney: Let me illustrate. A girl is allowed to be crazy, as long as she is equally hot. Thus, if she's this crazy, she has to be this hot. If she's this crazy, she has to be this hot. You want the girl to be above this line, also known as the Vicky Mendoza diagonal. This girl I dated, she played jump rope with that line. She'd shave her head, then lose ten pounds. She'd stab me with a fork, then get a boob job. I should give her a call.
Quote from The Three Days Rule
Ted: Barney, the three days rule is insane. I mean, who even came up with that?
Marshall: Barney, don't do this. Not with Jesus.
Barney: Seriously. Jesus started the whole wait 3 days thing. He waited 3 days to come back to life. It was perfect. If he have only waited one day, a lot of people wouldn't have even heard that he died. They'd be all, "Jesus, what up?" And Jesus would probably be, like, "What up? I died yesterday". And then they'd be all, "Uh, you look pretty alive to me, dude". And then he would have to explain how he was resurrected and how it was a miracle. And then, the dude would be, like, "Okay, whatever you say, bro".
Robin: Wow, ancient dialogue sounds so stilted now.
Barney: And he's not going to come back on a Saturday. Everybody's busy doing chores. Working the loom, trimming their beards. No. He waits the exact right number of days... Three.
Ted: OK, I promise, I'll wait three days. Just please stop talking.
Barney: Plus, it's Sunday, so everyone's in church already. They're all in there, "Oh, no, Jesus is dead". Then, bam! He bursts through the back door, runs up the aisle. Everyone's totally psyched. And, FYI, that's when he invented the high-five. Three days, Ted. We wait three days to call a woman because that's how long Jesus wants us to wait. True story.