Barney: Escaped manslaughterer's not sexy. Although in hindsight, that was kind of a flawed concept. Next up, patient zero. [puts on a face mask, starts coughing]

Barney: This isn't just getting laid. This is market research. You see, my legendary success rate of 83%...
Ted: 17. It's always the inverse.
Barney: ...doesn't happen by accident. Every single play I run on women has been meticulously field-tested. By weeding out the bad plays in smaller markets like Cleveland, I know which ones will work in New York. For example, tonight marks the inaugural flight of the escaped manslaughterer. Are escaped manslaughterers sexy?
Robin: Not even remotely.
Lily: No. No.
Barney: Exactly. We'll never know unless I try it out tonight.

Ted: Okay, look, I've never told you guys this, but over the years, a few of my old high school buddies have asked me to give wedding toasts, and they haven't gone great. [v.o.] Somehow those weddings all fell smack-dab in the worst moments of my life.
[flashback to a wedding in 2008:]
Ted: Joel and Mora's love is a beautiful thing. I thought I had that... till my fiancee left me at the altar last week. I was asked not to talk about this, so I won't. [sobbing] I sit outside her house at night sometimes. She got a haircut.
[flashback to a wedding in 2009:]
Ted: After I lost my job last week, uh, I was asked not to give this toast... [The groom tries to take the mic] No, no, no! The happy couple needs to hear this. Things end. But from the ashes of your statistically probable divorce, hope can rise anew. That is why I'm starting my own architecture firm, Mosbius Designs.
[flashback to a wedding three months later:]
Ted: Mosbius Designs has failed. But Alex and Jessica's love reminds us that... [sobs] Oh, God!
Punchy: Classic Schmosby.