Barney: And, Ted, just be yourself. [laughs] Just kidding. Here's a giant pile of topics you should avoid talking about.
Ted: Wow. Well, this could actually be fun. In fact, I believe it was Oscar Wilde who said... "Man is least himself when he talks"...
Barney: Ted, card.
Ted: Uh, you're right. "No quoting Oscar Wilde."

Barney: Uh, Lily, uh, talk about your open marriage.
Lily: Okay. Well, after a long day of style meetings and photo shoots, and being way too mean to my assistant, I sometimes bang an underwear model.
Jerry: My goodness.
Marshall: I sleep around too. Just as much. A little more even.
Lily: Oh, uh, only 'cause you have nothing to do all day.
Marshall: Are we having this fight again? Writing plays is a real job!
Lily: I work 90 hours a week subsidizing your "real job."
Marshall: I won a Tony!
Lily: I brought French cooking to America!
Marshall: What?

[flashback to 1983:]
Jerry: Barney, I'm afraid this is good-bye. Your buzz-kill of a ma thinks I'm a "bad influence" on you.
Young Barney: What? That's... What is that word you taught me? "Bull" something?
Jerry: But she's your mother, and I'm... Well, she's your mother and I'm just your Uncle Jerry, so this is the last time I can see you.
Young Barney: But you were supposed to take me to see that Zeppelin cover band next week. The night is gonna be... "Led-engery."
Jerry: Sorry, buddy, but this is it. But don't you forget your training. What's a magician's best friend?
Young Barney: A drunk audience.
Barney: Attaboy.
Jerry: You still got that button from the festival we went to? Now... I'm gonna put this right inside your brain behind your ear, so that I'll know that you won't forget me. See ya, buddy. And hey. Never stop partying.