Ted: Barney, the three days rule is insane. I mean, who even came up with that?
Barney: Jesus.
Marshall: Barney, don't do this. Not with Jesus.
Barney: Seriously. Jesus started the whole wait 3 days thing. He waited 3 days to come back to life. It was perfect. If he have only waited one day, a lot of people wouldn't have even heard that he died. They'd be all, "Jesus, what up?" And Jesus would probably be, like, "What up? I died yesterday". And then they'd be all, "Uh, you look pretty alive to me, dude". And then he would have to explain how he was resurrected and how it was a miracle. And then, the dude would be, like, "Okay, whatever you say, bro".
Robin: Wow, ancient dialogue sounds so stilted now.
Barney: And he's not going to come back on a Saturday. Everybody's busy doing chores. Working the loom, trimming their beards. No. He waits the exact right number of days... Three.
Ted: OK, I promise, I'll wait three days. Just please stop talking.
Barney: Plus, it's Sunday, so everyone's in church already. They're all in there, "Oh, no, Jesus is dead". Then, bam! He bursts through the back door, runs up the aisle. Everyone's totally psyched. And, FYI, that's when he invented the high-five. Three days, Ted. We wait three days to call a woman because that's how long Jesus wants us to wait. True story.

Barney: So he stays home all the time not getting laid? No, see, that's what you do when you have a fiancée. He should be down here celebrating. He's free. He got that red-head-tumor removed.
Ted: You should write and illustrate children's books.
Barney: You know what Marshall needs to do? He needs to stop being sad. When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead. True story.

Marshall: Lily?
[flashback to Lily in their apartment, rushing to the phone with her hands full with grocery bags:]
Lily: [answers] Hello.
Mickey: [o.s.] Lily, it's Dad. Listen, I'm sort of in jail for not paying taxes for the last 25 years But bright side... I thought of a great new board game. "Tax Evasion"... ages six to ten. Which is, ironically, what I might be looking at. Anyway, Pumpkin, I need $15,000.
Lily: Fooled ya. Leave a message after the beep. We'll get back to ya. Beep.
[present:]
[Lily drinks from the flask]
Marshall: Lawyered.

Lily: Hey, so it's a pocket dial. You have so many great memories with your dad. Who cares about the last one?
Ted: She's right.
Barney: Your dad was hilarious.
Marshall: You guys don't get it, okay? None of you do. My dad was my hero. And he was my teacher. And he was my best friend. He always came through for me. And now he's just gone. And what am I left with? [plays message] Thanks a lot, God! Thank you! You took my father... the greatest man that I have ever known... and you ripped him off this Earth, way too young! And he'll never get to meet our kids, Lily. But we got this voice mail. Thank you so much for the voice mail! It's a great comfort! 'Cause whenever I'm starting to feel lonely or sad, or... or you know what, or maybe a little bit cheated, at least I got the sound of his pocket to console me.
Lily: Marshall.
Marshall: How is this fair? You know, like, an entire human life and it just ends for no reason, and... and what are we left with?
Marvin Sr.: [on message] Marshall? Oh, looks like I've been calling you for almost five minutes. How's my pocket sound? Oh, sorry about that, buddy. Um, anyway, your mom and I had such a great time seeing you. I love you.
Lily: Looks like your dad came through one last time.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, when your best friend loses someone, you drop everything and rush to his side. Only to find yourself standing there with no idea what to do or say.
Ted: This is the toughest time in Marshall's life and I feel absolutely useless. What can we do to help?
Lily: Don't look at me. This morning Marshall said, "I have to pee". And I, "Don't worry, baby, I'll do it for you". Halfway through the pee, I'm, like, "This doesn't even make sense!"
Robin: Well, uh, I've been to a couple funerals, so I know my role: I'm Vice Girl. Whatever Marshall needs to get through this day, I got it right here. [opens purse]
Ted: Whoa! Cigarettes, alcohol... Are these firecrackers? My God, Robin, you somehow crammed Tijuana into a purse.
Robin: Be cool, nerds!