Lily: Robin, who'd you sleep with?
Robin: I told you, Randy. He was a machine.
Lily: Where's the poop, Robin?

Ted: And so, due to one architectural oversight, the Toledo Bridge Disaster of 1906 claimed the lives of 75 people. [dressed as a hotdog] Now, I hate to stop while I'm on a roll, but happy Halloween, ya crazies!
Scotty: Professor Brosby, you gonna come get beers with us later?
Ted: Nah, I got a thing. But you kids have fun trick or treating.
Betty: This is our treat. You're the coolest, Professor Mosby.
Ted: Well, hot dog.
[later, at a Halloween party:]
Lily: Did it hurt?
Ted: What?
Lily: Getting that kid's nose surgically removed from your ass.
Ted: It's not her nose that's in my ass, Lily, it's her heart. My class loves me. I'm really making an impression on those guys.

Barney: Man, I love the office Halloween party. It is so much sluttier than the office Christmas party. Though not as freaky as the office President's Day Rave. Or the office Tu B'Shvat Pajama Jammy-Jam.