Barney Quote #1228
Barney: Oh, my God. Look at this. My letter from the postmaster general. I still can't believe he took the time to write this.
[flashback to young Barney reading a letter:]
Young Barney: "Dear Barney"...
Postmaster General: "I sincerely apologize about losing all the invitations you sent out to your eighth birthday party. That's why none of your classmates showed up. Not because you threw up when they turned the lights off at the planetarium. Ah, no one even noticed that. Also, Janey Masterson's mother is a whore and, with gin on her breath at 10:00 in the morning she's got some nerve kicking us out of the carpool. Love, Postmaster General."
Quote from Loretta
Loretta: Okay, everyone, lunch is ready. Who wants sloppy joes?
James: Mom, who's Sam Gibbs?
Loretta: [squeals] That doesn't sound familiar. Who wants sloppy joes?
James: There's a picture of me and Barney in an envelope addressed to him. And you wrote "Your son" on the back.
Loretta: Oh, no, that... It says "Yourson." For Yourson, North Dakota. That's where we took the picture. Lovely town. We went kayaking, and you two rescued the mayor's dog, which had wandered into the rapids. Then Mayor Sam Gibbs asked for your pictures so the city could make statues of you both. I guess I never sent it. That's embarrassing. Now, how about those sloppy joes?
James: If this picture was taken in North Dakota, then why is our old swing set in the background?
Loretta: [shouts] I don't know! I did my best as a single parent and it wasn't always easy. And I'd recommend putting the coleslaw right on top of the sloppy joe. Because it's delicious. That's why!
Quote from James
Marshall: Does your mom make stuff like that up a lot?
James: Constantly. I mean, she put more effort into some lies than others.
[flashback to young Barney watching TV:]
Young Barney: Mom, who's my dad? All the other kids at school know who their dad is. Who's mine?
Loretta: I don't know. That guy.
Robin: Did she tell you that Bob Barker was your dad too?
James: No, no, no. I heard Flip Wilson, Bill Cosby, James Earl Jones, Meadowlark Lemon. The list goes on. I still can't get a straight answer about who my real dad is. And Barney's no help. He still believes every lie that my mom told us growing up. Not me. I caught on early. [to Lily] Careful! Michael Jackson sent me this glove for my 10th... Damn.
Quote from How I Met Everyone Else
Barney: There's no way she's above the line on the hot-crazy scale.
Ted: She's not even on the hot-crazy scale. She's just hot.
Robin: Wait, hot-crazy scale?
Barney: Let me illustrate. A girl is allowed to be crazy, as long as she is equally hot. Thus, if she's this crazy, she has to be this hot. If she's this crazy, she has to be this hot. You want the girl to be above this line, also known as the Vicky Mendoza diagonal. This girl I dated, she played jump rope with that line. She'd shave her head, then lose ten pounds. She'd stab me with a fork, then get a boob job. I should give her a call.
Quote from The Three Days Rule
Ted: Barney, the three days rule is insane. I mean, who even came up with that?
Marshall: Barney, don't do this. Not with Jesus.
Barney: Seriously. Jesus started the whole wait 3 days thing. He waited 3 days to come back to life. It was perfect. If he have only waited one day, a lot of people wouldn't have even heard that he died. They'd be all, "Jesus, what up?" And Jesus would probably be, like, "What up? I died yesterday". And then they'd be all, "Uh, you look pretty alive to me, dude". And then he would have to explain how he was resurrected and how it was a miracle. And then, the dude would be, like, "Okay, whatever you say, bro".
Robin: Wow, ancient dialogue sounds so stilted now.
Barney: And he's not going to come back on a Saturday. Everybody's busy doing chores. Working the loom, trimming their beards. No. He waits the exact right number of days... Three.
Ted: OK, I promise, I'll wait three days. Just please stop talking.
Barney: Plus, it's Sunday, so everyone's in church already. They're all in there, "Oh, no, Jesus is dead". Then, bam! He bursts through the back door, runs up the aisle. Everyone's totally psyched. And, FYI, that's when he invented the high-five. Three days, Ted. We wait three days to call a woman because that's how long Jesus wants us to wait. True story.