Ted: Wait, wait, wait, wait, dude, dude, hold on. Do you think I'm gay?
Don: Well, yeah.
Ted: Why would you assume that?
[flashback to Ted arriving in the apartment as Robin and Don sit on the couch:]
Ted: Hey.
Robin: Hey, Ted, your calligraphy teacher called.
Ted: And? And?
Robin: Your ink is in.
Ted: Yes!
[another flashback:]
Ted: Hey, guys, I just wanna make sure Project Runway is recording. Did the Jets get new costumes?
[another flashback:]
Ted: Well, I guess we won't be having creme brulee tonight. My browning torch is broken.
Don: You know, when I heard your roommate was a single guy, I was a little jealous. But now that I know he's gay, I'm okay.
Robin: Oh, Ted's not...
Ted: But we still got homemade lady fingers and piping hot Darjeeling.
Don: Awesome. Thank you. Ted's not what?
Robin: Ted's not gonna be around a lot. He's following Cher on tour.
[present:]
Ted: Okay, don't get me wrong, Cher puts on a hell of a show. But I am not gay.

Don: Hey, Lily, be honest. Is it weird that Robin hangs out with one of her exes all the time?
Lily: Well, Ted and Robin broke up years ago. It's a non-issue.
Don: Ted and Robin?
Ted: Not seeming so gay now, am I, Donny?
Carl: Appletini for the gentleman.
Ted: Thank you.

Ted: Okay. You're ready.
Barney: Ready for what?
Ted: To read the letter.
Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, the letter was a device I'd invented to remind myself why I'd broken up with somebody. I'd been doing it for years.
[flashback to Ted writing a letter in 1996:]
Ted: [v.o.] "Dear Future Ted, never get back with Karen because she's a pretentious snob. Oh, also, she cheated on you. I'm sorry you had to find out this way. [chuckles] See, we're already laughing about it."
[flashback to Ted writing a letter in 2005:]
Ted: [v.o.] "Dear Future Ted, stay away from Natalie, or any girl who can pin you to the ground and beat you senseless in front of a cheering crowd. P.S. Please consult a therapist about why that turned you on a little bit. "
[flashback to Ted writing a letter in 2008:]
Ted: [v.o.] "Dear Relationship Genius, Stella left you at the altar. You may never love again and will probably die alone." Huh! It doesn't look so sad written in calligraphy.