Ted Quote #791
Ted: Well, I think you should move in with him.
Robin: You do?
Ted: Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I see how happy you are. And as much as I love you as a roommate, I want you to do what's right for you.
Robin: Oh! Are you trying to kick me out because of the milk thing?
Ted: It's really annoying.
[flashback to Ted going to the refrigerator and taking out a carton of milk that turns out to be empty:]
[Ted goes into Robin's bedroom while she sleeps and places the empty carton in her bed]
Robin: No. I have a system. I put the empty carton back in the fridge to remind us to buy milk.
Ted: Okay, why don't you leave a full carton to remind us we don't have to buy milk?
Quote from Ted
Ted: Wait, wait, wait, wait, dude, dude, hold on. Do you think I'm gay?
Don: Well, yeah.
Ted: Why would you assume that?
[flashback to Ted arriving in the apartment as Robin and Don sit on the couch:]
Robin: Hey, Ted, your calligraphy teacher called.
Ted: And? And?
Robin: Your ink is in.
Ted: Hey, guys, I just wanna make sure Project Runway is recording. Did the Jets get new costumes?
Ted: Well, I guess we won't be having creme brulee tonight. My browning torch is broken.
Don: You know, when I heard your roommate was a single guy, I was a little jealous. But now that I know he's gay, I'm okay.
Robin: Oh, Ted's not...
Ted: But we still got homemade lady fingers and piping hot Darjeeling.
Don: Awesome. Thank you. Ted's not what?
Robin: Ted's not gonna be around a lot. He's following Cher on tour.
Ted: Okay, don't get me wrong, Cher puts on a hell of a show. But I am not gay.
Quote from Ted
Don: Hey, Lily, be honest. Is it weird that Robin hangs out with one of her exes all the time?
Lily: Well, Ted and Robin broke up years ago. It's a non-issue.
Don: Ted and Robin?
Ted: Not seeming so gay now, am I, Donny?
Carl: Appletini for the gentleman.
Ted: Thank you.
Quote from Intervention
[flashback to Marshall arriving at the apartment as Ted stacks books on a shelf:]
Marshall: Hey. What's that?
Ted: A 1986 World Book encyclopaedia. [en-sahy-kluh-pay-dee-uh] It's exactly the one I grew up with.
Ted: Oh, you think it should be pronounced encyclo-pee-dia. It's a common mistake. But if you look at that squished together "ae" symbol in this here encyclopaedia, you'll learn that it's a ligature derived from the Anglo-Saxon rune...
[The bookshelves collapse, ripping off a portion of plasterboard and exposing the building's red brick walls]
Marshall: You know, you're gonna have to paedia for that.
Quote from We're Not From Here
Ted: New Jersey is not "pretty much New York". You are not "pretty much New Yorkers".
Colleen: And how would you know?
Ted: Because I live here. That's right. I live here. Yes, we're full of crap. Yes, we pretended to be from out of town so we could sleep with you and leave in the morning. But you know what's even worse than that?! Saying you're a New Yorker when you're not. Because, this is the greatest city in the world and you have to earn the right to call yourself a New Yorker. So why don't you girls crawl into the open sewer pipe you call the Holland Tunnel and flush yourselves back to "pretty much New York"? Because I will do a lot to get laid, but I am not going to New Jersey!