Inspector: All right, good news. I think we'll be out of here early.
Ted: Really?
Inspector: Yep. I finished downstairs and the outside. Now, I could keep looking and see what else I can find, besides the black mold, the damaged retaining wall, the frayed electrical wires, the lead paint, the water damage, the fire damage, the sun damage, the broken furnace, the rotted floorboards... Hey, look at that, no termites.
Ted: Ooh.
Inspector: The cracked chimney, the bats, the rats, the spiders, the raccoons, the hobo, the detached gutter, the outdated fuse box and the paint job in the kitchen, which is fine, but the trim really clashes with the countertops. Or I could just recommend that you do not buy this godforsaken Guantanamo Bay of a house, and suggest that we all get our asses out of here before a medium-sized wind blows the whole sumbitch down.
Ted: What if... What if I already bought the sumbitch?
Inspector: Well, I will check out the upstairs. [laughs]

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, everyone has one or two moments when they make a huge, crazy decision that changes their lives forever. This is the story of mine. It all started with a visit from my mom and her long-time boyfriend, Clint, who was always saying stuff like...
Clint: Ted, your mother is a very, very erotic woman.
Ted: Please don't.
Clint: As a painter/songwriter/volunteer fear fighter, I find her incredibly sexual. But you have your own sexual memories with your mom, don't you?
Ted: Please don't.
Clint: Exiting her womb. Receiving her milk. You get me? Good.

Ted: Can I show you some of the ideas I have?
Marshall: Yeah.
Future Ted: [v.o.] And kids, Marshall was right. I didn't give up on my dream house. Because that's the thing
about stupid decisions. We all make them. But time is funny. And sometimes a little magical. It can take a stupid decision and turn it into something else entirely. Because, kids, as you know, that house is this house.