Barney Quote #1132
Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, on a warm March evening in 2010, a New York City Police boat pulled a 34-year-old white male out of the Hudson River, your Uncle Barney.
Police Officer: All right, kid, let's hear the story, from the beginning.
Barney: Well, it all started a week ago.
[flashback to Barney at MacLaren's:]
Barney: I was making time at the local watering hole. Enter, a dame.
Anita: Nothing sexier than a man in a fine cravat.
Barney: Except for a woman who appreciates a fine cravat.
Anita: How about we just call it a tie? [both laugh]
Barney: [laughing] You see, a cravat is a kind of tie.
Police Officer: I get it.
Quote from Ted
Ted: Leave it to me. I'll plan the whole thing.
Barney: You're gonna plan the whole thing? I bet it'll be all gooey and romantic, huh?
Ted: Gooey and romantic? Gooey and romantic? Barney. [singing] You don't have to take her to Paris or Peru
Barney: Uh, Ted, what are you doing?
Ted: [singing] You just have to make her understand
Barney: Ted, people are looking at us.
Ted: [singing] What she means to you
Barney: Oh, God, really? You're really gonna do this right now?
Ted: [singing] On your superdate Troubles of the world will simply have to wait For wonders and amazement
served up on a silver plate Hurry up now, don't be late Because hand in hand You'll find a land Where paradise awaits [talking] And then, boom! Fireworks over the Manhattan skyline, you kiss her... [singing] And that's your super date.
Barney: That sounds gooey and romantic.
Quote from How I Met Everyone Else
Barney: There's no way she's above the line on the hot-crazy scale.
Ted: She's not even on the hot-crazy scale. She's just hot.
Robin: Wait, hot-crazy scale?
Barney: Let me illustrate. A girl is allowed to be crazy, as long as she is equally hot. Thus, if she's this crazy, she has to be this hot. If she's this crazy, she has to be this hot. You want the girl to be above this line, also known as the Vicky Mendoza diagonal. This girl I dated, she played jump rope with that line. She'd shave her head, then lose ten pounds. She'd stab me with a fork, then get a boob job. I should give her a call.
Quote from The Three Days Rule
Ted: Barney, the three days rule is insane. I mean, who even came up with that?
Marshall: Barney, don't do this. Not with Jesus.
Barney: Seriously. Jesus started the whole wait 3 days thing. He waited 3 days to come back to life. It was perfect. If he have only waited one day, a lot of people wouldn't have even heard that he died. They'd be all, "Jesus, what up?" And Jesus would probably be, like, "What up? I died yesterday". And then they'd be all, "Uh, you look pretty alive to me, dude". And then he would have to explain how he was resurrected and how it was a miracle. And then, the dude would be, like, "Okay, whatever you say, bro".
Robin: Wow, ancient dialogue sounds so stilted now.
Barney: And he's not going to come back on a Saturday. Everybody's busy doing chores. Working the loom, trimming their beards. No. He waits the exact right number of days... Three.
Ted: OK, I promise, I'll wait three days. Just please stop talking.
Barney: Plus, it's Sunday, so everyone's in church already. They're all in there, "Oh, no, Jesus is dead". Then, bam! He bursts through the back door, runs up the aisle. Everyone's totally psyched. And, FYI, that's when he invented the high-five. Three days, Ted. We wait three days to call a woman because that's how long Jesus wants us to wait. True story.