Ted: What, you're actually gonna hook up with these girls that call you?
Barney: Oh, indubitably. I'm meeting the first one here any minute. Keep your eyes peeled for a red sweater. Based on her texts, she's dirty, dyslexic, and wants to 96 me. Semi-colon, end parentheses.

Barney: You guys remember Ranjit.
Ranjit: Hello.
Ted: Hey, Ranjit. Good to see you.
Barney: I've enlisted Ranjit's services as my personal driver because for the next week, I'll be sleeping with hundreds of women, and I don't wanna take the subway, 'cause, you know, germs.

Robin: I do not love Don.
Marshall: Robin, neurologically speaking, the part of the human brain that makes you hate people is located right next to the part of the brain that makes you wanna jump people's bones. The two responses are so similar it's hard to tell them apart.
Ted: You know what it's like? Wait, I have to get a book. Give me 30 seconds.
[Ted rushes out of MacLaren's. He returns 22 minutes later:]
Ted: Okay, this is fun. Look at this picture. It's a rabbit. You can look at it for hours and be absolutely sure it's a rabbit. But then one day, you look at it, and you realize, "Wait a second, it's a duck." It's a rabbit. It's a duck. Rabbit. Duck. Rabbit. Duck. Isn't this fun?
Future Ted: [v.o.] It sure was.