Robin: "Defusing the bomb"? What does that even mean?
Lily: "Three Topics To Distract Robin From Being Mad At You."
Robin: Distract me? Oh, that is so condescending. These guys are really starting to piss me off!
Lily: "Immediately switch the conversation to one of the following, unless you want Robin to start throwing her shoes."
[flashback to Ted's classroom:]
Ted: One. "Vancouver Canucks 2004 Division Title."
[back:]
Robin: What?! That's not distracting. That's just talking about the story of a scrappy little underdog team that prevailed despite very shaky goal ending and, frankly, the declining skills of Trevor Linden.
[flashback to Ted's classroom:]
Ted: Two. "Proper Gun Cleaning and Maintenance."
[back:]
Robin: You have to clean your gun. My uncle had a filthy old shotgun, blew both his thumbs off trying to shoot a beaver. You want to distract someone, make them watch my uncle try to eat corn on the cob.
[flashback to Ted's classroom:]
Ted: Three. "Emperor Penguins."
[back:]
Robin: Did you know that before intercourse, the male and female emperor penguins bow to each other? Mr. Penguin. [bows] Mrs. Penguin. [bows] Oh, God, silly penguins, acting all fancy. [laughs] What were we talking about?

Ted: "How To Date Robin Scherbatsky." Lesson one. Now, even though she puts up a tough exterior, what Robin really wants, deep down...
Barney: I'm bored.
Ted: You said you wanted my help.
Barney: Can we draw boobs on the chalkboard?
Ted: We did that ready.
Barney: No, like, really big boobs.
Ted: No. Look, I need this, too. I've only been a professor a few weeks. Being up here, it's, it's good practice for me.
Barney: Can we have class outside?
Ted: No! What Robin really wants deep down... [Barney's cell phone chimes] Barney!
Barney: What? I'm tweeting about you. You should be flattered. How do you spell blah-blah-blah- "H's" or no?
Ted: Wow, you were just, like, the worst student in the world, weren't you?
Barney: They said I had A-D... something. Can we have class outside?
Ted: Barney, I'm only gonna say this once, so listen up. I love you and I love Robin. And I want to make this work. So if you give me a few weeks of attention, I could give you a lifetime of happiness. Can you do that for me?
Barney: Do you think I should get Sports Illustrated for 70% off the cover price? Can we have class outside? I got to find a way to reach this kid.
Ted: [under his breath] I've got to find a way to reach this kid.

Lily: "Class number two."
Robin: "Top Ten Robin Scherbatsky Facial Expressions and Their Meaning."
[flashback to Ted's classroom:]
Ted: Now, notice the vacant eyes, the pale, queasy expression, suggesting nausea. What do these mean?
Barney: You guys just had sex? Oh! Wasn't me.
Ted: Dude! I worked really hard on these slides, okay? Can we just...
Barney: Okay.
Ted: This look is hunger. If you ever see Robin looking like this, get some food in her quick,or one of two things will happen. One: weird, out-of-context laughter. (changing the photo) Or two: spontaneously falling to sleep in strange places. But the most important facial expression of all?
Barney: That's a building.
Ted: Oh... [chuckling] That's for my class. The Flatiron Building. Fun story about it. It was designed by Chicago's Daniel Burnham in the Beaux-Arts style. This architectural gem...
Barney: Dude!
Ted: Okay, the most important facial expression of all.
Barney: Whoa!
Ted: Flared nostril ridges. Wide, unblinking eyes. If you ever, ever see this face, Barney, run. And don't take a picture of it. She will punch you. And you will cry... for the third time... that night. Which brings us to an important point: defusing the bomb.