Barney: We're going to Sascha's.
Ted: Who the hell is Sascha?
Barney: Sascha. [points to security woman] She's having friends over for drinks at her house. It's gonna be legen- wait for it, and I hope you're not lactose intolerant 'cause the second half of that word is -dairy!

Barney: Okay, listen, I am going to get you to that hospital or die trying. And if I succeed, I ask only one thing in return. Let me choose your child's middle name because I have thought of the most awesome name of all time.
Marshall: What's the middle name?
Barney: Wait for it.
Marshall: I'm waiting.
Barney: Wait for it.
Marshall: I said I'm waiting.
Barney: Wait for it.
Marshall: What's the middle name?
Barney: No, the middle name is wait for it. Let's say the first name is - oh, I don't know - Barney. He'd be Barney Wait for It Eriksen. How awesome is that?
Marshall: That is... the coolest middle name of all time!

Barney: Hey, hey. If Ted says that PJ is important to the company, then PJ is not going anywhere.
Ted: See? He's very valuable.
Barney: Well, whoa. PJ's a guy? PJ's not some hot chick you're banging?
Ted: No, I'm mentoring him.
Barney: Oh, mentoring. I mentored a young fellow once. Even made him my wingman. Then, one day, he hired an assistant to work ten feet from his bedroom who... get this... isn't a hot chick, proving he never listened to a word I said. And do you know that young man's name?
Ted: Ted Mosby?
Barney: Maybe. I don't remember. Because he is dead to me! PJ's gonna be getting a very confusing card in the mail, along with a garment that he should by no means wear for three days and then mail back to me.

Robin: Hey, you okay?
Ted: What if I don't think of the books?
Robin: Excuse me?
Ted: There's this famous architecture story about an architect who designed this library. It was perfect. But every year, the whole thing would sink a couple inches into the ground. Eventually, the building was condemned. He forgot to account for the weight of the books. This company... it's just me. What if I don't think of the books?
Robin: Okay. First of all, nobody goes to libraries anymore, so who cares about that guy? Secondly, you need to get on the phone and start calling clients.
Ted: The longer I put off starting my own firm, the longer it can remain a dream and not something I screwed up at. It's like I'm giving up before I even started.

Barney: Hey. You hear there's gonna be more layoffs?
Marshall: I know. I'm freaking out. Are you worried?
Barney: Are you kidding? The things I know about this company. I won't ever be fired. I mean, there's a pretty good chance one day I'll wash up on shore with no fingerprints or teeth, but I won't be fired.