Barney Quote #363
Barney: Moist. Moist. Moist. Moist.
Future Ted: [v.o.] That was the first 40 minutes of Barney's show.
Future Ted: And then we endured about 20 minutes of this.
[Barney shoots a squirt gun at Lily]
Barney: I have to go refill. I'll be back in a moment. Play's not over.
Marshall: I never get picked for audience participation.
Future Ted: And then it just got weird.
Barney: [in a robot costume] Feelings. Inside. Oh, no! [robot noises]
Future Ted: And when that didn't work...
[Barney plays the recorder]
Lily: Okay! Stop! You win. Fine. Barney, I'm sorry I made you come to my show.
Quote from Marshall
[At Barney's play:]
Barney: [singing] The robot found love Confusing my circuitry My software's been hacked Toaster oven You're the one for me Two, three, four.
[Marshall stands up and slaps Barney]
Marshall: That's two.
Quote from Barney
Barney: I don't take flyers.
Marshall: You took one two seconds before you walked in here.
Barney: That's different. It was for a strip club. Two bucks off wings. How much is your flyer going to save me on wings?
Lily: Fine. It's a flyer from my play.
Barney: Oh, Lily, I'd love to, but we're not in college and I'm not trying to sleep with you. So anyway, this mermaid...
Marshall: Hey, Lily's friend asked her to be in this play, and it's gonna be really good.
Barney: Lily, I love you, but we're too old for this. Asking someone to come see your play is like asking someone for a ride to the airport or to crash on your couch or to help you move. Call a cab, book a room, hire some movers and repeat after me: Friends don't let friends come see their crappy play.
Quote from How I Met Everyone Else
Barney: There's no way she's above the line on the hot-crazy scale.
Ted: She's not even on the hot-crazy scale. She's just hot.
Robin: Wait, hot-crazy scale?
Barney: Let me illustrate. A girl is allowed to be crazy, as long as she is equally hot. Thus, if she's this crazy, she has to be this hot. If she's this crazy, she has to be this hot. You want the girl to be above this line, also known as the Vicky Mendoza diagonal. This girl I dated, she played jump rope with that line. She'd shave her head, then lose ten pounds. She'd stab me with a fork, then get a boob job. I should give her a call.
Quote from The Three Days Rule
Ted: Barney, the three days rule is insane. I mean, who even came up with that?
Marshall: Barney, don't do this. Not with Jesus.
Barney: Seriously. Jesus started the whole wait 3 days thing. He waited 3 days to come back to life. It was perfect. If he have only waited one day, a lot of people wouldn't have even heard that he died. They'd be all, "Jesus, what up?" And Jesus would probably be, like, "What up? I died yesterday". And then they'd be all, "Uh, you look pretty alive to me, dude". And then he would have to explain how he was resurrected and how it was a miracle. And then, the dude would be, like, "Okay, whatever you say, bro".
Robin: Wow, ancient dialogue sounds so stilted now.
Barney: And he's not going to come back on a Saturday. Everybody's busy doing chores. Working the loom, trimming their beards. No. He waits the exact right number of days... Three.
Ted: OK, I promise, I'll wait three days. Just please stop talking.
Barney: Plus, it's Sunday, so everyone's in church already. They're all in there, "Oh, no, Jesus is dead". Then, bam! He bursts through the back door, runs up the aisle. Everyone's totally psyched. And, FYI, that's when he invented the high-five. Three days, Ted. We wait three days to call a woman because that's how long Jesus wants us to wait. True story.
Quote from Not a Father's Day
Marshall: Barney, they're hot.
Barney: Oh, there is so much to teach you all. You have just become victims of... The Cheerleader Effect. Glad you asked. The Cheerleader Effect is when a group of women seems hot, but only, as a group. Just like with cheerleaders. They seem hot, but take each one of them individually? Sled dogs.
Ted: That's insane.
Barney: Take a good, hard look at each one of those girls. Individually.
Marshall: I don't know. The one on the end is kind of cute.
Lily: Yeah, she really is.
Barney: Also known as the Bridesmaid Paradox, Sorority Girl Syndrome, and for a brief window in the mid-'90s, the Spice Girls Conspiracy. Scary Spice indeed.