Barney Quote #187
Marshall: That is sick! Why would you do that?
Barney: Who knows? This feud goes so far back I can't remember who fired the first shot.
Marshall: Well, look, if you would just... help me fill out these forms, that would be great. [off Barney's look] What?
Barney: Butterfield is going to retaliate within the next four hours. That's been his pattern. This is war, Eriksen. I need you to clear your schedule, call Lily, tell her you'll be home late.
Quote from Marshall
Ted: All right, so, Barney, are you doing this or what?
Robin: Oh, geez, Barney, don't do this.
Barney: I have to, it's my birthday present to Ted.
Marshall: You don't have to. Please, it's going to be embarrassing and we're going to have to stop coming here, which will suck. In addition to probably being kind of healthy.
Ted: Come on, Marshall, it's the greatest pickup line of all time. Barney.
Marshall: Oy, gevalt.
Quote from Barney
Barney: Uh, excuse me, has anyone ever told y... Oh, my God.
Barney: Oh! Call an ambulance!
Woman: What's going on?
Barney: Try not to speak. Here, sit down. Just don't talk, don't talk.
Waitress: Is she okay?
Barney: I'm serious, call 911.
Woman: What's wrong? What's the matter?
Barney: Shh! Shh! Just don't move. Don't move. Just try... Here, have some water. Water! Here, drink this. Shh! Shh!
Robin: You know, the more I watch this, the less convinced I am that it's the greatest pickup line of all time.
Ted: Wait for it.
Quote from How I Met Everyone Else
Barney: There's no way she's above the line on the hot-crazy scale.
Ted: She's not even on the hot-crazy scale. She's just hot.
Robin: Wait, hot-crazy scale?
Barney: Let me illustrate. A girl is allowed to be crazy, as long as she is equally hot. Thus, if she's this crazy, she has to be this hot. If she's this crazy, she has to be this hot. You want the girl to be above this line, also known as the Vicky Mendoza diagonal. This girl I dated, she played jump rope with that line. She'd shave her head, then lose ten pounds. She'd stab me with a fork, then get a boob job. I should give her a call.
Quote from The Three Days Rule
Ted: Barney, the three days rule is insane. I mean, who even came up with that?
Marshall: Barney, don't do this. Not with Jesus.
Barney: Seriously. Jesus started the whole wait 3 days thing. He waited 3 days to come back to life. It was perfect. If he have only waited one day, a lot of people wouldn't have even heard that he died. They'd be all, "Jesus, what up?" And Jesus would probably be, like, "What up? I died yesterday". And then they'd be all, "Uh, you look pretty alive to me, dude". And then he would have to explain how he was resurrected and how it was a miracle. And then, the dude would be, like, "Okay, whatever you say, bro".
Robin: Wow, ancient dialogue sounds so stilted now.
Barney: And he's not going to come back on a Saturday. Everybody's busy doing chores. Working the loom, trimming their beards. No. He waits the exact right number of days... Three.
Ted: OK, I promise, I'll wait three days. Just please stop talking.
Barney: Plus, it's Sunday, so everyone's in church already. They're all in there, "Oh, no, Jesus is dead". Then, bam! He bursts through the back door, runs up the aisle. Everyone's totally psyched. And, FYI, that's when he invented the high-five. Three days, Ted. We wait three days to call a woman because that's how long Jesus wants us to wait. True story.