Barney: One of the twenty-four similarities between girls and fish is that they're both attracted to shiny objects. You really never read my blog, do you?

Barney: My, oh, my there are some ferocious looking cutlets here tonight. Alright, hookup strategy, colon, find a cutlet; lock her in early, grind with her all night till she's mine.
Ted: Do strategies ever work for you?
Barney: The question is, do these strategies ever not work for me? Either way the answer's "about half the time".

Future Ted: [v.o.] So kids, would you like to hear the story of the time I went deaf?
Son: Why does he even ask?
Daughter: I know, he's just going to tell us anyway.
Future Ted: I sure am.