Barney Quote #1056
Quote from Barney in The Playbook
Lily: Ooh, I got a text from Barney. "Look under the table." Oh. It's a page from the Playbook.
Robin: What does it say?
Ted: It's "The Scuba Diver".
[title card: "The Scuba Diver"]
Barney: [v.o.] Step one: tell a meddlesome female friend about the Playbook. Step two: run a play on one of her coworkers, making her so angry she steals the play book. Step three, put on the scuba suit and tell her you're gonna do "The Scuba Diver" on the hot girl standing by the bar. Your friend, let's call her Lily, goes and talks to the girl and tells her everything about the book. Now, here's where it gets tricky. When Lily and the girl ask what "The Scuba Diver" is, take off your mask, give them spiel about your deep-seated insecurities which don't really exist, because, let's face, it you're awesome. Feeling bad for you,Lily talks you up to the girl who agrees to go get coffee with you. And it... is... on.
[Ted, Robin and Marshall are stunned into silence]
Lily: You son of a bitch.
How I Met Your Mother Quotes
‘The Playbook’ Quotes
Quote from Barney
Barney: To more advanced maneuvers like "the Mrs. Stinsfire."
[flashback to a sorority house:]
Woman: Now kappas, after our disciplinary hearing for lewd behavior last semester, we have been assigned a new housemom. I'd like you to meet Mrs. Stinsfire.
Barney: [high-pitched in a Scottish accent] Hello, girls!
[Barney winks to camera; present:]
Marshall: Wow. I can't picture a way that wouldn't work.
Quote from Barney
Barney: The Playbook contains every scam, con, hustle, hoodwink, gambit, flimflam, stratagem and bamboozle I've ever used, or ever hope to use, to pick up chicks and give them the business.
Quote from Barney
[title card: "The Lorenzo Von Matterhorn":]
Barney: [v.o.] To perform the Lorenzo Von Matterhorn, here's what you'll need: basic knowledge of web site design and a very unique fake name. So, think of your fake name right now. Have you got it? Good. Now, select your target. Preferably a girl with a real nice... Phone.
[at MacLaren's, Barney approaches a woman at the bar who is using her phone]
Barney: [sighs] Yeah, it's me.
Shelly: Do I know you?
Barney: I'm Lorenzo Von Matterhorn.
Shelly: Are you, like, famous or something?
Barney: Yes. [chuckles] You really don't know who I am, do you? What a refreshing change of pace. Nice to meet you...
Shelly: Shelly.
Barney: Shelly. Once again, I'm Lorenzo Von Matterhorn. Spelled like it sounds, two "t"s. Lorenzo Von Matterhorn. Ciao.
Barney: [v.o.] Then, as soon as you're gone, she gets out her phone and does an internet search for Lorenzo Von Matterhorn. And that's when she discovers... A series of fake web sites, all devoted to the incredible life of Lorenzo Von Matterhorn. There's the fake business article about Lorenzo, the reclusive billionaire. The fake explorers club newsletter describing his balloon trek to the north pole as a feat of pure daring and imagination. The fake medical journal featuring the heartbreaking story of doctors telling him penis reduction surgery isn't an option. And by the time you get back...
Barney: Hi, Shelly, I hate to be forward, but can I buy you a cup of coffee?
Shelly: Yes! Please.
Barney: What does coffee go for these days, $50?
Shelly: Lorenzo.
Barney: [v.o.] And it is on.
[Barney winks to camera]