Marshall Quote #502
Future Ted: [v.o.] And so, on my way to get a bagel, I stopped at a newsstand for a full minute to check out a picture of Barney's 200th.
Future Ted: [v.o.] If I hadn't done that, I would've walked right by the newsstand, cut down 77th and gotten to
that corner a minute early. I would've gotten the bagel, done some work, and you kids might never have been born. Now, why did I cut down 77th, and give a dollar to the homeless guy? Here's why. Back when Marshall first started working at Goliath National Bank...
[flashback to Marshall at work:]
Marshall: Fran, I don't mean to bother you but I have a big presentation tomorrow and it would really help if I could get like some charts and graphs made up. Could you help me with that?
Fran: Honey, this is the graphics department. We can make as many graphs, as many charts in as many colors on as many kinds of paper as you want.
Marshall: Oh, Fran. Oh, Franny, Franny, Franny. We are gonna have some fun.
Quote from Marshall
[Marshall holding a poster in the booth at MacLaren's:]
Marshall: I've ranked the Presidents in order of how dirty their names sound. One: Johnson. Two: Bush. Three: Harding. Four: Polk.
[Marshall holding a poster in the apartment:]
Marshall: This circle represents "People Who Are Breaking My Heart..." and this circle represents "People Who Are Shaking My Confidence Daily." And where they overlap: Cecilia.
[Marshall holding a poster at the booth in MacLaren's:]
Marshall: This is a pie chart describing my favorite bars. And this is a bar graph describing my favorite pies.
[Marshall returns to the apartment to find Ted, Robin and Barney standing by the "Intervention" sign:]
Marshall: What's going on?
Robin: Enough with the charts.
Barney: And the graphs.
Ted: Really any visual representation of data.
Marshall: I'm not an idiot. I know how you guys feel about my charts and my graphs. As a matter of fact, I've made a chart of your reaction to my charts. Let's take a look. Yes, it is true, since Cecelia, your interest in my charts has been steadily dropping. But based on recent trends, I have also made... A projection chart! And look... huge spike in interest coming! And this isn't just some dead cat bounce. This is big sustainable growth over the long term.
Barney: You're a big sustainable growth.
Quote from Marshall
[at MacLaren's where nobody but Barney is wearing black-tie:]
Marshall: It's not too many.
Barney: Thank you.
Marshall: No, don't get me wrong. You're disgusting, and the cops should probably clamp a boot on your genitals, but that number should be higher. After Barney told me about all this, I crunched the numbers and, Well, I had some charts made up. Barney here hits on roughly 20 girls a week.
Barney: Whoa, it's way more than 20. And B. Smooth don't do nothing roughly.
Marshall: Let's say 20. So, 20 girls a week means 1,040 girls a year. In Barney's 16 years of sexual activity, that means he's hit on 16,640 girls. Now, if he's bedded 199 of them, that is a success rate of... a little over one percent. That's a batting average of 12, eight times worse than the career batting average of... one-handed pitcher, that's right, pitcher... Jim Abbott.
Quote from The Final Page (Part 2)
Marshall: Oh, I forgot the lullaby. Do you know Marvin's lullaby? We sing it to him every night.
[flashback to Marshall playing guitar and singing to Marvin with Lily adding percussion:]
Marshall: Night, night, little Marvin Stars twinkle for you [Lily plays chimes] The Dreamland train's a-chuggin' [Lily blows train whistle] All your dreams will come true And the horsie says, "Good night" [Lily plays wood scraper block] And the birdie says, "Good night" [Lily blows bird whistle] And the elephant says, "Good night" [Lily plays tuba] And the skeleton playing his own rib cage Says, "Good Night" [Lily plays xylophone] And the robot says, "Good night"
Lily: [uses a voice-changing megaphone] Good night.
Man: [o.s.] Enough with the damn music!
Marshall: [singing] And Mr. Nesbit says, "Good night" And the whole world says, "Good night" Take it, Mommy.
[Lily plays the violin]
Quote from Bagpipes
Barney: Hey, tiger. How you holding up? Do you need a hug? You want to talk about yesterday? Safe space.
Ted: Barney thinks Lily asking you to wash your dishes right away is a sign your marriage is crumbling.
Marshall: What? Why? Lily likes a clean sink, so I do the dishes right away, what's the big deal?
Barney: I'll tell you what the big deal is. You know how I was always the best at being single?
Barney: Well, now I am the best at relationships. Even better than you and Lily.
Marshall: Aw. Look at you. Had a girlfriend for five minutes, you think you can play with the big boys, adorable. Son, I've been in a relationship since you had a ponytail and were playing Dave Matthews on your mama's Casio. I'm a good boyfriend in my sleep. I can rock a killer foot rub with one hand and brew a kick-ass pot of chamomile in the other that would make you weep. Hell, I've forgotten more about microwaving fat-free popcorn and watching Sandra Bullock movies than you'll ever know, but thanks for your concern, rook.