Barney Quote #936
Robin: Hey. You listed Gaby Allan twice, as 78 and 162.
Barney: What? Let me see.
Robin: Seventy... One. Oh, my God. Wait a... I counted the same girl twice? That means I'm only at one 198?
Marshall: Well, that only means that you're half a percent less gross than we thought.
Barney: I'm seducing a Czech supermodel in two hours. I can't squander that on 199. No! Petra has to be 200.
Ted: Well, what are you gonna do? I mean, it's not like you're gonna find someone new to have sex with in the next two hours.
[later, Barney chats to a woman at MacLaren's:]
Barney: [talking ridiculously quickly Hi, Barney Stinson, millionaire astronaut. Want to come back to my place and see some moon shells?
Woman: Go away.
[later, with another woman:]
Barney: I just got back from my wife's grave. Put her in the ground a year ago today. Man, I miss her. I sure could use some comfort.
Woman: You're creepy.
[later, with another woman:]
Barney: Man, aren't you sick of all the games? I just want to settle down and have a gaggle of rug rats, like, right now.
Woman: I have Mace, and I enjoy using it.
Quote from Marshall
[Marshall holding a poster in the booth at MacLaren's:]
Marshall: I've ranked the Presidents in order of how dirty their names sound. One: Johnson. Two: Bush. Three: Harding. Four: Polk.
[Marshall holding a poster in the apartment:]
Marshall: This circle represents "People Who Are Breaking My Heart..." and this circle represents "People Who Are Shaking My Confidence Daily." And where they overlap: Cecilia.
[Marshall holding a poster at the booth in MacLaren's:]
Marshall: This is a pie chart describing my favorite bars. And this is a bar graph describing my favorite pies.
[Marshall returns to the apartment to find Ted, Robin and Barney standing by the "Intervention" sign:]
Marshall: What's going on?
Robin: Enough with the charts.
Barney: And the graphs.
Ted: Really any visual representation of data.
Marshall: I'm not an idiot. I know how you guys feel about my charts and my graphs. As a matter of fact, I've made a chart of your reaction to my charts. Let's take a look. Yes, it is true, since Cecelia, your interest in my charts has been steadily dropping. But based on recent trends, I have also made... A projection chart! And look... huge spike in interest coming! And this isn't just some dead cat bounce. This is big sustainable growth over the long term.
Barney: You're a big sustainable growth.
Quote from Marshall
[at MacLaren's where nobody but Barney is wearing black-tie:]
Marshall: It's not too many.
Barney: Thank you.
Marshall: No, don't get me wrong. You're disgusting, and the cops should probably clamp a boot on your genitals, but that number should be higher. After Barney told me about all this, I crunched the numbers and, Well, I had some charts made up. Barney here hits on roughly 20 girls a week.
Barney: Whoa, it's way more than 20. And B. Smooth don't do nothing roughly.
Marshall: Let's say 20. So, 20 girls a week means 1,040 girls a year. In Barney's 16 years of sexual activity, that means he's hit on 16,640 girls. Now, if he's bedded 199 of them, that is a success rate of... a little over one percent. That's a batting average of 12, eight times worse than the career batting average of... one-handed pitcher, that's right, pitcher... Jim Abbott.
Quote from How I Met Everyone Else
Barney: There's no way she's above the line on the hot-crazy scale.
Ted: She's not even on the hot-crazy scale. She's just hot.
Robin: Wait, hot-crazy scale?
Barney: Let me illustrate. A girl is allowed to be crazy, as long as she is equally hot. Thus, if she's this crazy, she has to be this hot. If she's this crazy, she has to be this hot. You want the girl to be above this line, also known as the Vicky Mendoza diagonal. This girl I dated, she played jump rope with that line. She'd shave her head, then lose ten pounds. She'd stab me with a fork, then get a boob job. I should give her a call.
Quote from The Three Days Rule
Ted: Barney, the three days rule is insane. I mean, who even came up with that?
Marshall: Barney, don't do this. Not with Jesus.
Barney: Seriously. Jesus started the whole wait 3 days thing. He waited 3 days to come back to life. It was perfect. If he have only waited one day, a lot of people wouldn't have even heard that he died. They'd be all, "Jesus, what up?" And Jesus would probably be, like, "What up? I died yesterday". And then they'd be all, "Uh, you look pretty alive to me, dude". And then he would have to explain how he was resurrected and how it was a miracle. And then, the dude would be, like, "Okay, whatever you say, bro".
Robin: Wow, ancient dialogue sounds so stilted now.
Barney: And he's not going to come back on a Saturday. Everybody's busy doing chores. Working the loom, trimming their beards. No. He waits the exact right number of days... Three.
Ted: OK, I promise, I'll wait three days. Just please stop talking.
Barney: Plus, it's Sunday, so everyone's in church already. They're all in there, "Oh, no, Jesus is dead". Then, bam! He bursts through the back door, runs up the aisle. Everyone's totally psyched. And, FYI, that's when he invented the high-five. Three days, Ted. We wait three days to call a woman because that's how long Jesus wants us to wait. True story.