Barney Quote #933

Quote from Barney in Right Place Right Time

Barney: Petra Petrova. Bro's Life magazine's girl of the year for May. A delicate flower in stiletto pumps and leopard panties, straddling an ATV.
Ted: These magazines are so lame. I mean, she's probably airbrushed and enhanced.
Barney: I have a date with her.
Ted: You are my hero! Are you serious? How do you have a date with her?
Barney: Not part of the story. Ted, I have been waiting a long time to say this. This girl is the one.
Ted: Of course she's the one. You have to marry those. Her.
Barney: Marry? [laughs] No, I have something much, much more special in mind. Petra here, if all goes well, will be my... wait for it, two hundredth. Sorry, I couldn't wait. It's all too exciting.
Ted: Your two hundredth, as in "sex with"?
Barney: As in "sex with." I request the highest of fives.
Ted: Not if I was wearing a HazMat suit. 200 is too many.
Barney: Oh, right, 'cause there can be too many of something wonderful. "Hey, Babe Ruth, easy, big fella. Let's not hit too many homers." "Hey, Steve Guttenberg, maybe just make three Police Academy movies. America's laughed enough."

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Features in the collection: Barney Stinson: Wait for It.

‘Barney Stinson: Wait for It’

Quote from Barney in Sweet Taste of Liberty

Barney: We're going to Sascha's.
Ted: Who the hell is Sascha?
Barney: Sascha. [points to security woman] She's having friends over for drinks at her house. It's gonna be legen- wait for it, and I hope you're not lactose intolerant 'cause the second half of that word is -dairy!

Quote from Barney in The Magician's Code - Part One

Barney: Okay, listen, I am going to get you to that hospital or die trying. And if I succeed, I ask only one thing in return. Let me choose your child's middle name because I have thought of the most awesome name of all time.
Marshall: What's the middle name?
Barney: Wait for it.
Marshall: I'm waiting.
Barney: Wait for it.
Marshall: I said I'm waiting.
Barney: Wait for it.
Marshall: What's the middle name?
Barney: No, the middle name is wait for it. Let's say the first name is - oh, I don't know - Barney. He'd be Barney Wait for It Eriksen. How awesome is that?
Marshall: That is... the coolest middle name of all time!

 ‘Right Place Right Time’ Quotes

Quote from Marshall

[Marshall holding a poster in the booth at MacLaren's:]
Marshall: I've ranked the Presidents in order of how dirty their names sound. One: Johnson. Two: Bush. Three: Harding. Four: Polk.
[Marshall holding a poster in the apartment:]
Marshall: This circle represents "People Who Are Breaking My Heart..." and this circle represents "People Who Are Shaking My Confidence Daily." And where they overlap: Cecilia.
[Marshall holding a poster at the booth in MacLaren's:]
Marshall: This is a pie chart describing my favorite bars. And this is a bar graph describing my favorite pies.
[Marshall returns to the apartment to find Ted, Robin and Barney standing by the "Intervention" sign:]
Marshall: What's going on?
Robin: Enough with the charts.
Barney: And the graphs.
Ted: Really any visual representation of data.
Marshall: I'm not an idiot. I know how you guys feel about my charts and my graphs. As a matter of fact, I've made a chart of your reaction to my charts. Let's take a look. Yes, it is true, since Cecelia, your interest in my charts has been steadily dropping. But based on recent trends, I have also made... A projection chart! And look... huge spike in interest coming! And this isn't just some dead cat bounce. This is big sustainable growth over the long term.
Barney: You're a big sustainable growth.

Quote from Marshall

[at MacLaren's where nobody but Barney is wearing black-tie:]
Marshall: It's not too many.
Barney: Thank you.
Marshall: No, don't get me wrong. You're disgusting, and the cops should probably clamp a boot on your genitals, but that number should be higher. After Barney told me about all this, I crunched the numbers and, Well, I had some charts made up. Barney here hits on roughly 20 girls a week.
Barney: Whoa, it's way more than 20. And B. Smooth don't do nothing roughly.
Marshall: Let's say 20. So, 20 girls a week means 1,040 girls a year. In Barney's 16 years of sexual activity, that means he's hit on 16,640 girls. Now, if he's bedded 199 of them, that is a success rate of... a little over one percent. That's a batting average of 12, eight times worse than the career batting average of... one-handed pitcher, that's right, pitcher... Jim Abbott.

 Barney Stinson Quotes

Quote from How I Met Everyone Else

Barney: There's no way she's above the line on the hot-crazy scale.
Ted: She's not even on the hot-crazy scale. She's just hot.
Robin: Wait, hot-crazy scale?
Barney: Let me illustrate. A girl is allowed to be crazy, as long as she is equally hot. Thus, if she's this crazy, she has to be this hot. If she's this crazy, she has to be this hot. You want the girl to be above this line, also known as the Vicky Mendoza diagonal. This girl I dated, she played jump rope with that line. She'd shave her head, then lose ten pounds. She'd stab me with a fork, then get a boob job. I should give her a call.

Quote from The Three Days Rule

Ted: Barney, the three days rule is insane. I mean, who even came up with that?
Barney: Jesus.
Marshall: Barney, don't do this. Not with Jesus.
Barney: Seriously. Jesus started the whole wait 3 days thing. He waited 3 days to come back to life. It was perfect. If he have only waited one day, a lot of people wouldn't have even heard that he died. They'd be all, "Jesus, what up?" And Jesus would probably be, like, "What up? I died yesterday". And then they'd be all, "Uh, you look pretty alive to me, dude". And then he would have to explain how he was resurrected and how it was a miracle. And then, the dude would be, like, "Okay, whatever you say, bro".
Robin: Wow, ancient dialogue sounds so stilted now.
Barney: And he's not going to come back on a Saturday. Everybody's busy doing chores. Working the loom, trimming their beards. No. He waits the exact right number of days... Three.
Ted: OK, I promise, I'll wait three days. Just please stop talking.
Barney: Plus, it's Sunday, so everyone's in church already. They're all in there, "Oh, no, Jesus is dead". Then, bam! He bursts through the back door, runs up the aisle. Everyone's totally psyched. And, FYI, that's when he invented the high-five. Three days, Ted. We wait three days to call a woman because that's how long Jesus wants us to wait. True story.