Future Ted Quote #113

Quote from Future Ted in Murtaugh

Ted: Yeah, whatever. I'm adding laser tag to the Murtaugh List.
Barney: Jeez, not the Murtaugh List.
Robin: What's the Murtaugh List?
Future Ted: [v.o.] The Murtaugh List is something that came into being around the time I turned 30. It all started with your Uncle Marshall's beer bong. When we were in our early 20s, every time we had a party, that beer bong came out. And around the time we turned 30, same thing. Of course, in our early 20s, the next day would go like this.
[flashback to Ted and Marshall playing around in their underwear]
Future Ted: But by the time we were 30, the next day would go like this.
[Ted on the couch with a sick bucket]
Future Ted: Then one day, in the throes of the worst hangover of my life, I realized there was only one person in the world that I could relate to: Detective Roger Murtaugh, played by Danny Glover in the '80s noir masterpiece Lethal Weapon, known for his oft-quoted catchphrase:
Murtaugh: I'm too old for this...
Future Ted: "Stuff." He said, "I'm too old for this stuff."

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 ‘Murtaugh’ Quotes

Quote from Robin

Marshall: By the way, how good is Lethal Weapon?
Robin: I don't know. It's kind of a rip-off. Old guy paired up with a young renegade cop. Sound familiar? McElroy and LaFleur. Don't tell me you guys have never seen McElroy and LaFleur. It's the greatest Canadian action movie of all time. McElroy is a young, renegade Mountie whose horse was just killed by evil Americans, while LaFleur, his grouchy, old, African-Canadian partner, just bought a cozy ice fishing shack in northern Alberta...

Quote from Barney

McCracken: Stinson, my office! Now!
Barney: Crap.
[in McCracken's office:]
McCracken: Disorderly game play, three counts of shoving, and now this! Stinson, you're a liability!
Barney: I know, I don't play by your precious rules, McCracken, but, damn it, I get results!
McCracken: Look, you're a good laser tag player. Maybe the best I've ever seen. But one of these days, you're gonna get someone hurt. Maybe even yourself.
Barney: You just forget what it's like out there. You've had your fat ass stuck behind that desk for too long.
McCracken: That's it! You're out of here, Stinson! Hand in your gun and your ID badge!
Barney: With pleasure. [slams badge and gun down, heads towards the door] Please don't do this.This game is all I got. And I've almost got enough tickets for the remote control helicopter. Please.
McCracken: I can't believe I'm doing this. But I'm gonna give you one last shot. But so help me, if you so much as step one toe out of line, you're gonna be playing Duck Hunt in your mama's basement so fast, it's gonna make your head spin. Now, get out of here!
Barney: You won't regret this.
[later:]
McCracken: That's it, Stinson. You're banned for life!
Barney: No!

 Future Ted Quotes

Quote from The End of the Aisle

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, I won't lie, that was a long weekend. More ups and downs than I can count. It was a twisting, turning road that led to the end of the aisle, and not everything along the way was perfect. To be honest, not everything to follow would be perfect either. But what is? Here's the secret, kids: none of us can vow to be perfect. In the end, all we can do is promise to love each other with everything we've got. Because love's the best thing we do. And on that lovely spring evening, that's exactly what Barney and Robin vowed to each other. And it was legendary.

Quote from Gary Blauman

Future Ted: [v.o.] And that's how it goes, kids. The friends, neighbors, drinking buddies, and partners in crime you love so much when you're young, as the years go by, you just lose touch. That being said, I did manage to keep track of a few people. Carl's still behind the bar at MacLaren's.
Carl: Hey, watch it over there.
Carl's Son: Yeah, watch it over there.
Future Ted: It's become a family business. Jeanette was arrested for mailing jars of urine to Val Kilmer. No, not that Val Kilmer. She narrowly avoided prison time, but did receive mandatory psychological counseling.
Jeannette: Hello, handsome.
Kevin: I should say up front, I'm not allowed to date my... Oh, what the hell.
Future Ted: She and Kevin live in Poughkeepsie now. Ranjit made a couple really good stock picks, and, well, he owns the limo service now.
Ranjit: Bitterman, get the car.
Bitterman: Getting the car, sir.
Future Ted: Patrice has her own drive time radio show. People call in, she gives advice.
Robin: [on phone] Sometimes I just feel like he never listens to me, you know.
Patrice: Gosh, caller, that's a real pickle. You know, my grandma always says...
Robin: Damn it, Patrice, I'm not finished!
Patrice: Sorry, sorry, go on.
Future Ted: William Zabka became the youngest poet ever to win the American Humanities Medal for Literature. He's currently working on a collection of travel essays. Zoey pops up on the news every now
and then, supporting some cause or another. It doesn't always go well for her. The hawk is a majestic creature.
She means you no...
Zoey: Aah! No, I'm your friend. I'm helping you.
Future Ted: Still, it's nice knowing she's out there fighting the good fight. Scooter's been married for a while. Apparently, he met a girl at work, and it was love at first sight. I guess something about her helped him get over Lily.
Scooter: You look beautiful today, Jasmine. Like every day.
Jasmine: [Russian accent] Move. I serve sloppy joe now.
Future Ted: Blitz struggled with a gambling addiction for a while but after a three-day bender on the same slot machine, he finally kicked it.
Blitz: I gotta get help.
Woman: Yes! [machine beeps]
Blitz: Oh, man.
Future Ted: I'm not sure what happened to Blah-Blah. But I'd like to think that wherever she is, she... Carol. Her name was Carol.
Carol: Thank you.
Future Ted: Sandy Rivers' inappropriate behavior finally caught up with him, ending his news career in America.
Sandy Rivers: [in Russian] "Good evening Moscow, I'm Sandy Rivers. Our top story: tainted beef in Odessa, speaking of which, Olga, I've got some beef you might enjoy... stroganoff.
Future Ted: He hasn't changed. It took some doing, but James finally convinced Tom to take him back. And nobody's happier about it than their kids.
James: Hey, kids, have I ever told you how I met your father? It was at a party.
Future Ted: [v.o.] And as for Blauman...
Gary Blauman: Guys, wait. I'm sorry for storming off. I don't wanna miss this wedding.