Barney Quote #819
Ted: Look, this thing with me and Robin, it's totally casual. I'm not gonna freak out if you tell me you have feelings for her. So, do you?
Barney: No. No, I don't. I don't, no. I don't. I don't. No. Robin is all yours, dude. Have fun with her. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go sleep with other girls.
Ted: Are you sure?
Barney: Yes!
Ted: Positive?
Barney: Absolutely.
[cut to Barney in a chair. As the camera pans out, we see that Barney is talking to Lily's class of kindergarteners:]
Barney: And then I stormed out. Why did I do that? I mean, maybe it goes back to my father issues, but... I basically gave my best friend license to have sex with the girl of my dreams. I totally sabotaged myself. And now I'm smoking. Now I'm smoking.
Lily: Get out.
Barney: But it's feelings hour and I'm holding Feely the Share Bear. And whoever's holding Feely the Share Bear gets to sit in the share chair.
How I Met Your Mother Quotes
‘Benefits’ Quotes
Quote from Barney
Ted: Oh, like Barney's theory about world peace?
[flashback to Barney talking to Ted at MacLaren's:]
Barney: So I explained to her. I said, Madeline, every single international conflict essentially boils down to sexual tension.
Ted: Every international conflict?
Barney: Every single one, dude.
Ted: So the crisis in the Middle East could be solved by...
Barney: Gaza Strippers. Next.
Ted: Apartheid?
Barney: Apart thighs. What else you got?
Ted: Cold War?
Barney: "Mrs. Gorbachev, take down those pants."
Quote from Barney
Ted: Sorry I'm late. I was just jammin' on Scherbatsky. She used up all my stamps, so long story short, the postman rang twice. You must bump this!
Barney: That's... just... so... Excuse me for a second.
[later, Barney finds the dumpster behind MacLaren's is empty. He goes to an electronics store]
Barney: So, you're saying plasmas are better for low light, but LCDs are better for games?
Clerk: Right, but the CRTs have the truest blacks.
Barney: So, if I want a really crisp contrast ratio...
Clerk: The CRT's deep-pixel cell structure produces a resolution you just can't match with an LCD.
Barney: Oh, I'll take the CRT.
[later, Barney smashes the TV in the alley behind MacLaren's]
Quote from Barney
Marshall: Nobody likes to read a magazine at work and if they say that they do, then they're not human.
Barney: Dude, I read a magazine at work every day. I can't tell you how many meetings I've been late to because I was busy "reading a magazine." But I don't feel bad about it. That's my time. Sure, "reading a magazine" ain't pretty, but, you know, it's something I gotta do. So why be ashamed about it? Wait, "reading a magazine" means masturbating, right?