Barney Quote #489
Ted: You know what else is a good story, how Barney and I met. Barney, tell that story, right now. Please.
Barney: OK, Ted, this is a crazy story. You're gonna love it.
[flashback to Barney and Ted standing next to each other at the urinals in 2001:]
Barney: Tonight's the first time I'm taking my deaf brother out since our mom died.
Ted: Oh, I'm sorry about that.
Barney: No, it's OK. I have to take care of him now. Of course, I have had to put my dreams on hold in order to do it, but I'm happy to. He's my brother and I love him. I'm sorry, it's all still so fresh.
Ted: Oh man, I'm really sorry.
Barney: Wow, you bought that?
Barney: I just made that up mid-pee. It worked on you, it's definitely gonna work on that blonde chick at the end of the bar. Unless you're a total idiot. What's your name?
Barney: Are you a total idiot, Ted?
Ted: Well, I'm still having this conversation, so...
Barney: [laughs] Well played. I like you Ted.
How I Met Your Mother Quotes
Quote from Barney
Barney: There's no way she's above the line on the hot-crazy scale.
Ted: She's not even on the hot-crazy scale. She's just hot.
Robin: Wait, hot-crazy scale?
Barney: Let me illustrate. A girl is allowed to be crazy, as long as she is equally hot. Thus, if she's this crazy, she has to be this hot. If she's this crazy, she has to be this hot. You want the girl to be above this line, also known as the Vicky Mendoza diagonal. This girl I dated, she played jump rope with that line. She'd shave her head, then lose ten pounds. She'd stab me with a fork, then get a boob job. I should give her a call.
Quote from Marshall
[flashback to Ted, Barney and Marshall in a booth in MacLaren's in 2001:]
Marshall: I'm not gonna cheat on my girlfriend.
[Lily walks in the bar]
Barney: Yes, you are, with the hottie that just walked in. Look at her. How much hotter is she than your girlfriend?
Marshall: There's no comparison. What do you think, Ted? Should I go for it?
Ted: Oh, don't do it, man. I mean, think about Lily.
Marshall: You know what, I don't care. I've been with one woman for too long. I need me some strange.
Barney: Yes, yes, pep talk. You can do this, but to be more accurate, you probably can't. You're way out of practice and she is way too hot for you. So, remember, tonight isn't about scoring, it's about believing that you can do it even though you probably can't. Go get him, tiger.
[Marshall gets up and heads over to the bar. Ted moves to the other side of the booth and sits next to Barney.]
Barney: Poor guy's gonna crash and burn.
[Marshall walks over to Lily and kisses her]
Barney: [spit take] That man is a god!
Marshall: For like a week after, Barney followed me around, asking me to teach him how to live. I even got him to do my laundry once.
Barney: I thought it was a Mr. Miyagi kind of thing.
Quote from Barney
Barney: Well, we're closing in on the half. Let's see how Blahblah's doing on the crazy-hot scale. She started the night here, but as the night's progressed, she's gotten crazier but no hotter which has caused her to drift across the Mendoza diagonal and dangerously close to the Shelley Gillespie zone. Another girl I dated. She gained twenty pounds and tried to kill me with a brick.