Barney: You watch, Ted. Tonight is going to be legen- it's the night we stole a camel... which means it'll be
full of drama - dary. Dromedary!
Ted: I applaud your wordplay, but your core premise is flawed. Every night can't be legendary. If all nights are legendary, no nights are legendary.
Barney: See, Ted, that attitude right there, that's why I'm in the lead.
Ted: What do you mean, in the lead?
Barney: I'm talking about the game of life, Ted. Scoreboard. Better wardrobe. 75 points. Apartment on a higher floor. 90 points. Longer name. 110 points.
Ted: Sorry. Did you just make up this point system?
Barney: Made up the point system. 114 points. And ten points to you for pointing that out. Nice job, Ted. 15 points to me for being gracious enough to give you those ten points. But here's the point, Ted. Every time I go out and have an awesome night and you're not there, that's another 100 points in my column. So yeah, I'm in the lead.
Ted: Barney, the fact that I can stay home for a night shows that I have inner peace and that I don't feel the need to keep score. That's worth like 1,000 points right there, so at the very least, we're tied.
Barney: We're so not tied. Although you know what is tied: the strap of my girlfriend's bikini. Except when it's not,
'cause she's a stripper. One million points! Game. Shh. It's over. It's done. It's done.

Captain: So what do you do?
Robin: You're kidding, right? I... I'm an on-air reporter. I just did a report like five minutes ago.
Captain: You sound frustrated.
Robin: Yeah, I am. I'm busting my ass, and as usual, no recognition.
Captain: Robin, I've been doing this a while, and if there's one thing I've learned, it's flarm.
Robin: What?
Captain: Flarm. Flarm, flarm, flarm. Blobbum.
Robin: What is wrong with you? Are you having a stroke?
Future Ted: [v.o.] As a matter of fact, he was.
Robin: Oh! Hold on! Wait!

Future Ted: [v.o.] Meanwhile, Lily was in desperate need of a female friend.
Quinn: Lily, I have seen this a million times. Guys go crazy when there's a baby on the way. You should have seen the manager when his wife got pregnant. After the second trimester, he made her stop stripping.
Lily: Yeah, you're right. Now I feel bad. Our big dinner's been ruined. Marshall's probably crying right now.

Ted: We are totally even.
Barney: We absolutely are not even, and here's why. I'll grant you that if you include the 12 points for designing the skyscraper, the 83 points for slapping five with Tommy Lee and the 9,000 points for banging Robin before me, our point totals would be about neck and neck, but there's one thing you're forgetting.
Ted: The fact that I don't care?
Barney: No. And you just lost five points for sass. Do you remember a conversation we had about three years ago?
[flashback:]
Ted: Barney, you're the king. Nobody picks up chicks like you. You're handsome, debonair, everything I wish I could be.
[present:]
Ted: I'm starting to think this never happened.
Barney: Let you finish.
[flashback:]
Ted: You're smooth, charismatic, "sauve."
[present:]
Ted: I think you mean "suave."
Barney: Aha. So you do remember.
[flashback:]
Ted: But there's one thing even a master ladies' man like you could never do, and if you could ever do it, it would be worth 500 points.
Barney: You have my attention, my slightly shorter friend.
Ted: Here's the challenge. Get a girl's phone number while you're wearing a dress.
Barney: Challenge...
[present:]
Barney: Accomplished. That's right. Last year, I slapped on a dress, took a few laps around this very bar, and I got this: The phone number of one Stephanie McColgan. Later that night, I took off my pantyhose, and gave her panties... my hose. That's right, Ted. I am 500 points ahead. Until you can get a girl's digits while wearing a dress, you and I will never be even.

Ted: You know what? The super's probably waiting for me, and I just remembered there's a spare key under the doormat, so good night.
Barney: Wait, wait. Ted, don't go.
Ted: Barney, I am leaving. I'm afraid this is just one of those nights we're probably going to forget.
Barney: I don't think so, dude. Look.
Sandy Rivers: [on TV news] If you're just joining us, the World Wide News Eye in the Sky traffic chopper is out of control over Manhattan and being piloted by our own Robin Scherbatsky. This probably won't end well.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, every now and then, New York has a moment when every eye in the city is watching the same thing. This was one of those moments. We all watched breathlessly as the pilot on the ground told her what to do, and against all odds, your Aunt Robin landed that helicopter.
Robin: I did it. I did it!
Future Ted: The pilot survived and made a full recovery. And Robin?
Security Guard: It's Robin Scherbatsky, everybody!
All: [cheer]
Robin: Thank you so much.

Marshall: Babe, I think I know why you had that sex dream about Ranjit.
Lily: Why?
Marshall: Think about it. The way he talks about his kids. He's a wonderful father. Just like Papa Smurf, Bill Cosby... George Washington, the father of our country. You're attracted to great dads. And that's why you love me. Because I'm going to be the greatest dad ever.
Lily: Sure, that must be it.
Future Ted: [v.o.] Lily decided not to tell Marshall about her dream involving Frankenstein and the tea cup from Beauty and the Beast. That one was just for her.

Ted: Okay, Barney, I got to go.
Barney: What? In the middle of "The Night You Got Locked Out in Your Pajamas and Robin Landed a Freaking Helicopter and There's Still Time to Reunite Genesis?"
[title briefly flashes up]
Ted: Dude, you got your wish. It's a night we'll always remember. Why can't we just go home?
Barney: I can't go home, Ted.
Ted: Why not?
Barney: Because... I'm dating a stripper.
Ted: Yes, I've seen your bus ad. I get it.
Barney: No, you don't. Every night, between 9:00 p.m. and 4:00 a.m., I'm in hell. All I can think about is what Quinn is doing and where she is doing it and who she is doing it on. If I don't do something to take my mind off of it... You're lucky that you can just go sit around the house, Ted. I don't have that option.
Ted: Wow. You're in love with this girl.
Barney: I really am, Ted. I mean... she's a stripper!

Future Ted: [v.o.] Later that night...
[Robin receives text messages from Ted: "I know we're not talking right now...", "but I just want you to know...", "I'm glad you're okay."]
Future Ted: The next night, all I wanted to do was enjoy a night at home. But there was something I had to do.
[cut to Ted on the street in a green dress, trying to pick up women]
Future Ted: It wasn't easy...
Ted: Okay. Now we're even. 500 points. Scoreboard.
Future Ted: More than a legendary night we'd remember forever, Uncle Barney needed a bro to help him forget. In this case, a bro in a dress.
Barney: I'm proud of you. Are you wearing perfume?
Ted: It's a unisex fragrance. It was in Details.
Barney: It's nice.
Ted: It's perfume.