Lily: What about baby Edgar's mom?
Barney: Oh, that's a sad story.
[flashback to Barney telling the story to a woman:]
Barney: And in the end, the coroner's report confirmed what I already feared. The female body cannot withstand that many consecutive orgasms. I blame myself.

Barney: Once I got the nannies all sympathetic, I had to check their qualifications.
[flashback:]
Barney: I'd like to see how you handle bath time. Follow me to the tub.
Woman: Should I get the baby?
Barney: No.

Barney: Once the interview was over, I went in for the kill.
[montage flashback:]
Barney: You're perfect for the job. So congratulations. You're hi- No. I can't do this. I find you very attractive and it wouldn't be appropriate. [all the woman but one grasp Barney's hand at this point] It wouldn't be appropriate. It wouldn't be appropriate. I repeat. It- It would not be appropriate. [the woman finally grasps Barney's hand]
[present:]
Barney: It was like taking candy from an imaginary baby.

Lily: Dad, what happened?
Mickey: [v.o.] Well, when I came back this morning from my jog, Marshall was gone, and I couldn't find Mrs. What's-her-face. And you two were sawing logs. So I figured I'd lend a hand.
[flashback to Mickey taking Marvin out of Lily's hand and replacing him with a burrito]
Lily: Then why did I wake up holding a monkey?
Mickey: Well, a little later, I got kind of hungry.
[flashback to Mickey swapping the burrito for the monkey toy]
Mickey: So I gave him a bath and put his diaper rash ointment on, and fed him strained peas, not bananas,
'cause he had bananas yesterday. Then I did the laundry, finished my burrito, put him down for his nap at noon, sterilized the bottles, and then we just went to the park.

Lily: Wow. That's incredible. When did you get so good with kids?
Mickey: You know something, honey? You don't remember this, but, um, for the first few years of your life, your mom worked and I was a stay-home dad.
Lily: I thought Grandma and Grandpa took care of me.
Mickey: Well, they visited a lot, but I was the guy who took care of you. You know, America thinks I ran into that burning house to get potato salad. But I actually ran in to get this photo album... and potato salad.

Lily: Dad, I never realized you were there for me. How come there are no pictures of me after I go to preschool?
Mickey: Well...
[flashback to Mickey dropping Lily off at school:]
Mickey: Okay. Well, have fun on your first day at preschool, princess. Mwah. Okay, off you go. There you go. Ugh, how am I gonna make it to 3:00 without her? [reads] Belmont Racetrack. Hmm. Well, I guess it couldn't hurt to go just once.
[present:]
Mickey: Six months later, guess what gambling addicts thumbs had metal pins in them. This guy. Bam.

[Barney is dressed as a police officer at MacLaren's:]
Barney: Ten parking tickets, huh? I suppose there is a way I could, uh, get you off. Why'd I ever doubt a classic?
Mrs. Buckminster: Now, now, now. This is exactly the sort of behavior you hired me to put an end to, Mr. Stimson. Off with you, dear. Go make better decisions.
Barney: You're right. Thanks, Mrs. Buckminster.
Mrs. Buckminster: You're welcome. And I'm proud of you for trying to change. What you're doing with these young women is simply not appropriate. [Mrs. Buckminster holds Barney's hand]
[cut to Barney and Mrs. Buckminster in bed:]
Barney: That can never happen again.
Mrs. Buckminster: Oh, pish posh. You said that five times ago.

Lily: We've got to find a nanny, and my dads definitely not it.
Robin: Well, um... And this doesn't solve your nanny problem, but if you're in need of a babysitter, Nick and I could do it. We're really clicking as a couple.
Ted: Um, if any couple is clicking these days, ifs me and Victoria.
Robin: [laughs] Do you think that you and Victoria are clicking more than me and Nick?
Ted: Do you think that you and Nick are... [gasps] Oh, that's precious.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, when you're in a new relationship and you're competing with your ex for who's happier, it can get ugly.
Robin: Anyway, I should get going. I have to go get a key made for Nick for my apartment. Ha-burn.
Ted: Hey, maybe the locksmith who made the key I gave to Victoria will give you a deal. Oh, wait. He won't remember me. It was three weeks ago. Ha-double-burn.
Robin: Nick signed for a package when I wasn't there.
Ted: Victoria keeps tampons in my apartment.
Robin: Damn it!

Ted: Hey, Robin, can I borrow a stamp? Oh. Wait. This wedding reply card already has one. Why, you ask? Victoria and I are R.S.V.P.'ing to a wedding in Jamaica, six months from now. Ha-triple-burn.
Robin: Oh. Jamaica.
Ted: Yeah.
Robin: That's an island, right?
Ted: Depends where you're going with this.
Robin: All the way to the island of Hawaii. Why, you ask? Well, I was invited to spend New Year's there last night when I met Nick's parents. Ha-aloha-burn.