Barney: [recording a message] Hi, this is Barney.
Robin: And Robin.
Barney: We can't answer the phone because...
Robin: He's watching sports and I'm...
Barney: Probably out shopping. [both laugh]
Robin: Uh-oh.
Barney: Leave a message, we'll call you back just as soon...
Robin: As...
Barney: We...
Both: Can!
Barney: "Leave an annoying two-person message on your answering machine." Check. Probably gonna cost me some dates, but it's okay.
Robin: Barney, your ear's starting to smell.
Barney: Nah, it's good.

Ted: I hate to send it back, but you did describe the turkey as extremely lean, and, well, you tell me.

Robin: All right. That's it. We have our own list.
Ted: What?
Robin: This is a list of things you're too young to do. Go out and do each one of these things, and then tell me you still want to be an old man.
Ted: Hmm. Remove "colonoscopy" and "Have sex with an old lady", and this is a cakewalk.

Barney: New stakes, then. If I can finish your list before you finish mine, you have to come with me to TP laser tag and you have to buy the toilet paper. And none of that biodegradable crap. I want it up there forever.
Ted: Fine, but if I finish your list first, it's a six hour survey of early 20th century American architecture and you can never do anything on the Murtaugh List ever again. It's for your own good.
Barney: You, sir, have got yourself a deal.
Robin: A gentleman's agreement!
All: Huzzah!
[Barney groans in agony]

Marshall: My father gave me no quarter and I asked for no quarter. I totally got to call that guy. Keep stretching!

Ted: "Put on reading glasses." Check. "Yell at neighborhood kids." My pleasure.

Ted: What the hell happened to you?
Barney: Oh, I just had a very minor "blew out my knee and it hurts like hell" incident.
Ted: How did you blow out your knee?
Barney: We... "Helped someone move out of a 6th floor walk-up in exchange for pizza and beer."
Robin: Or we helped someone rob a sixth floor walk-up. They were in a big hurry and left all the pictures behind.
Barney: Whatevs, it counts. Now, I am off to "Dye my hair a funny color", and then we are going to, "Go to a rave". [beatboxing]

Lily: Okay, so, your dad was tough on you. That stinks, but you don't have to be like him. You can learn from his mistakes.
Marshall: Mistakes? Lily, scoreboard. The guy nailed it, okay? He taught me how to be a winner. That's what I'm teaching these kids. And, for that matter, that's what I'm gonna teach our kids someday.
Lily: Okay, that's it. This is not how we're gonna raise our kids! And this is not how you're gonna coach this team! At tomorrow's game, if you are anything less than a teddy bear stuffed with cotton candy and rainbows, I will silent treatment your ass into the ground! You'll think the time I found your Internet search history was a freakin' picnic! Are we clear?
Marshall: There are many different philo...
Lily: Are we clear?
Marshall: Yes, ma'am. What's ironic is that now... [high-pitched scream as he dodges a racket] Lily, no!

Barney: Just call Ted. I want to go home.
Robin: All right. I'm calling him. But it's 4:30 in the morning. He's not going to be awake.
[meanwhile in the apartment:]
Ted: Up at 4:00... Check.
[back:]
Barney: Is he answering?
Robin: I haven't dialed yet.
Barney: Please hurry, Robin.
[at Ted's:]
Ted: [phone rings] Perfect. "Take forever to answer the phone."

Barney: Come on, Ted. Someone gave me some aspirin and I don't think it was aspirin.