McCracken: Stinson! Son... you have been a pain in my ass ever since you joined this club. But damn it if this ain't some of the finest TP work I've ever seen. You're reinstated. Effective immediately.
Barney: Really?
McCracken: [shouting] Hell, no! I'm calling the police! Grown-ass man with pink hair throwing toilet paper. You gotta be kidding me. I'm too old for this...
Future Ted: [v.o.] Stuff. He said stuff.

Barney: You will not believe what happened at laser tag last night.
Ted: People freaked out because a creepy man in a suit wouldn't leave their kids alone?
Barney: No. Well, yeah, pretty much.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Actually, he had just taken over as coach for Lily's kindergarten basketball team. He thought it'd be fun, but Lily saw it as something more: dad practice.
Lily: Hi.
Marshall: Hey! Oh, my gosh! Orange slices. That is so sweet. What are you doing here?
Lily: I couldn't resist. I wanted to see Coach Marshmallow do his thing.
Marshall: Hey, kids, who wants to knock off early and have some of these here orange slices?
Kids: Yeah!
Marshall: Yeah? [shouting] Well, you can't! Because oranges are for winners, and you little turds haven't even made a single shot yet! You're embarrassing yourselves, you're embarrassing Ms. Aldrin, and worst of all, you're embarrassing me! That's it! Suicides, baseline, now! Run.

Barney: Ted, there is not a single thing on here that you are too old to do. In fact, if you did everything on the Murtaugh List, I'd call that a pretty fun weekend.
Ted: Barney, you are not 18 anymore. If you did everything on that list, you would die. That wasn't a challenge.
Barney: Challenge accepted. In the next 24 hours, I'm going to do every single thing on this list. And after I do, you will TP the laser tag place with me.
Ted: And if you can't do it?
Barney: I will spend three hours listening to you talk about architecture.
Ted: You have got yourself a deal. Robin, will you do the honors?
Robin: A gentleman's agreement!
All: Huzzah!

Robin: You really want to make this bet with him? You know how he is.
Ted: There is some pretty tough stuff on that list. I mean, do you really think Barney's gonna get his ear pierced?
Barney: [holding a bloody toilet roll to his ear] "Get ear pierced." Check. All right, I'm off to go do laundry at Mom's house.

Ted: What's going on with your ear? Looks like the inside of a jack-o'-lantern on November 3rd.
Barney: What, this? Ah, just a little infecsh. Nothing a young guy like me can't shake off. Plus, "Put off going to the doctor," on the list. [cell phone chimes] Hold on. [raises phone to his infected ear] Go for Bar... [screams]
[Robin, on her cell phone, laughs]

Marshall: Keep running! You know what's funny is, I was supposed to come here to teach them... Do not stop running! This whole time, they've been the ones who are teaching me. Hey! [throws ball at a kid] That's not running! That's falling!

Future Ted: [v.o.] The next morning, Barney woke up on the futon in our living room.
Barney: [screams as he tries to sit up] Check.

[Barney is in a booth at MacLaren's:]
Barney: "Drinking shots with strangers." Check.
Ted: [over at the bar] You OK, Barney? It looks like you hurt your back.
Barney: Oh, no. Just rocking a party hunch. I like it. Closer to my booze. To youth. Can I get a straw?

Lily: Because that's the point of playing, to have fun.
Marshall: No, the point of playing is to win the trophy. And if you don't know who's winning, who gets the trophy?
Lily: Everyone. It's a participation trophy, everyone gets one.
Marshall: It's like you're speaking Chinese to me right now.