‘Mom and Dad’
Season 9, Episode 10 - Aired November 18, 2013
When Barney's father, Jerry, arrives at the hotel, Barney puts a scheme in motion to get his parents back together. Meanwhile, Ted thinks somebody is sabotaging his work as best man.
Quote from Marshall
Marshall: Who is ready to rock it Scottish-identical-twin-brothers style? [sings along] When I wake up Yeah, I know I'm gonna be I'm gonna be the man who ends up next to you... [talking] Oh, man, I hope they're not singing to the same girl. Or to each other.
Daphne: Shut up! Music sucks! Scotland sucks! You suck! Just drive, pumpkin head.
Quote from Barney
Barney: Hey, guys, don't worry. Help's on the way.
Jerry: Oh! Thank you, Barney.
Loretta: Thank you, honey.
Barney: In the meantime, I'll try to keep you two as comfortable as possible.
[Barney lowers down a tray featuring two candles, a bottle of wine with two lasses, an iPod, and one bowl of soup]
Jerry: Well, we don't need wine.
[Barney reels the tray back up and drops it down again]
Jerry: We don't need champagne, either. We need help! This could be very unsafe!
[Barney throws a ream of condoms down]
Loretta: Oh. I'll say something.
Jerry: No. You've had a whole lifetime of this. Let me. Barney, are you thinking you can get your mother and me back together? Because I'm married. My wife is right upstairs!
Barney: No, she's not.
Jerry: What's that?
Barney: Nothing! I'm just trying to keep you refreshed through this unexpected and flukish elevator malfunction! Here's some water! [Jerry and Loretta are soaked] Ah... drat. Clumsy hands much, Barney? Just disrobe and send up those wet clothes. You'll be cold, so I'll send down strawberry warming gel and some cozy, zippered masks.
Quote from Barney
Sam: Look, is there any way you guyscan be all right with this?
James: Of course I am!
Sam: Barney?
Barney: Look, I know I've been acting crazy today, but I just have one real question, Mom, and I want an honest answer. Is there a scenario - and hear me out - where you might consider doing kind of a three-way deal with both of our dads?
Sam: God! What is wrong with you?!
James: Oh, dude, come on!
Barney: [sobbing] That's what I thought!
Quote from Barney
Barney: You said it was nuts to think that my mom and dad would get back together. But that's what happened for James. I've been dreaming of that since I was five. Well, that and my own operational Death Star. But mostly them getting back together. Why does James get it and I don't?
Robin: Well, think about it. You have me, your dad has Cheryl...
[meanwhile:]
Jerry: [two police officers] "So to summarize: I'm super dead, you should totally bone Loretta, and I never loved you. Cheryl." which is misspelled.
[back:]
Robin: ...but James is going through a divorce. He just lost his family. I-I know you've been dreaming of this, but maybe he needs "Mom and Dad" more than you.
Quote from Barney
Future Ted: [v.o.] Two days before Barney and Robin's wedding, their reverend passed away, and the search was on for a replacement.
Barney: Oh, boy, it's the creepy, bug-eyed minister from that culty church who kept asking us if we're "pure enough to die." He's our best lead. I should get this.
Quote from Barney
Barney: Oh. Whoa. Look. My dad hasn't seen my mom in years, not since he bailed on her.
Robin: Oh, man, take it from a fellow child of divorce, this could get real messy.
Jerry: Loretta, good to see you.
Loretta: You, too, Jerry.
[They politely shake hands and give each other a small kiss on the cheek]
Barney: Wow.
Robin: Yeah. Thank God, no drama.
Barney: They're in love! My mom and dad are getting back together again!
Robin: Uh-oh.
Quote from Barney
Barney: Hey, quick favor. I want to give this to Robin. Gretzky's her hero. She says his name sometimes in bed. I've accepted it. Can you, uh, hide it for me till the rehearsal dinner?
Ted: The best man is on it.
Barney: Great. Now I'm gonna go get my mom and dad back together. They're totally in love. I know. It's amazing. I'm walking on air. My family's gonna be whole again!
Lily: Should we stop him or something?
Ted: The best man is staying on the Gretzky thing.
Quote from Barney
Robin: Barney, Jerry has a wife. Oh, God, what did you do to the wife?
[elsewhere:]
Cheryl: So, my husband snuck off to go parasailing, and he wants me to join him?
Ranjit: Yes.
Quote from Ted
Ted: Some bastard snuck into my room and spilled ink all over the Gretzky photo I was holding for Barney. Detective Mosby is on the case.
Lily: Oh, God, that's horrible.
Ted: I know. It was a gift for Robin.
Lily: No, I mean, "Oh, God, that's horrible. Detective Mosby's the worst."
Ted: Mm, Detective Mosby is the case-crackingest private dick on the scene.
Lily: Really? Like that case from eight years ago you still haven't cracked?
[flashback to a week ago: Ted is in the apartment with an evidence board about "The Pineapple Incident"]
Ted: I'm callin' it. Damn it!
[present:]
Ted: My greatest failure.