Marshall: This is stupid.
Barney: Stu... Come on, man, I didn't recruit you to work here for your lawyering skills. I recruited you to be my executive mischief consultant.
Marshall: This is a job for me, Barney. It's a way to make some extra wedding money, and that's it. Now I'm sorry, but I have work to do.
Barney: [on intercom] Tracy, could you come in here, please? Would you please inform Mr. Eriksen that I'm no longer speaking to him.
Tracy: Mr. Eriksen, Mr. Stinson is no longer...
Marshall: I get it. Thank you, Tracy.

Ted: [answering phone] Hello?
Bob Rorschach: Hello. May I speak with a Mr. Ted Mosby?
Ted: Speaking.
Bob Rorschach: Mr. Mosby, how you doing, sir? Bob Rorschach over here at Love Solutions. You signed up for our services about six months ago.
Ted: Uh, yeah. You guys never found me a match.
Bob Rorschach: Right. Well, actually, that's why I'm calling. We found her, sir. We found your soul mate.

Ted: I don't understand. What happened to Ellen Pierce? Doesn't she run this place?
Bob Rorschach: Well, my firm bought out the company. You know, we're a high-end meats and textiles conglomerate, but the geniuses at corporate decided they wanted to diversify, so... here I am.
Ted: So I'm in good hands.

Barney: Will you taste this latte for me? I think they gave me decaf.
Marshall: Tastes normal to me.
Barney: That's what I thought, too. Then I got this e-mail from Butterfield.
Marshall: Oh, God!
Barney: It got me as well.
Marshall: Well, then why did you have me drink it?!
Barney: Because now... you're in.
Marshall: Okay. Don't think I'm overlooking the obvious fact that I should just be mad at you. But Executive Mischief Consultant Marshall Eriksen reporting for duty. Let's make that bastard pay. You think that we should brush our teeth first?
Barney: Yeah, it's probably a good idea.

Ted: [answers phone] Lily?
Lily: Hey, Ted, are you busy?
Ted: Um... yes.
Lily: Oh, right. Soul mate. Forgot. Listen, could you take a cab out to Duchess County and change a flat on Marshall's Fiero?
Ted: What? What? No. Can't you just call Marshall?
Lily: Marshall can't know about this. Look, Ted, it's dark, I don't know how to change a tire, and I've stumbled into the beginning of a very scary campfire story. Can you please hurry?
Ted: I can't, I'm waiting...
Lily: Oh, my God, is that a drifter with a hook for a hand? No, drifter, no!
Ted: Come on, Lily.
Lily: But you see my point.
Ted: All right, stay there. I'm on my way.

Lily: About a month ago, I started getting insomnia. Marrying Marshall had been all I wanted for a long time. But, now that it was really happening, it seemed kind of huge and scary.
Ted: Did you talk to Marshall about it?
Lily: He wouldn't have understood. He's not exactly nervous about tying the knot. So I spent my nights reading, painting, setting the high score on Super Bomberman...
Ted: That was you? Awesome!
Lily: I know! I just got in the zone and... Not the point of the story. And then I started thinking about Victoria and how she followed her dream to Germany, and I found that art fellowship.
Ted: Let me guess. It's somewhere far away.
Lily: San Francisco. But it's not like I'm going to do it. The dates conflict with the wedding. But I love painting, and I've always wondered if I'm any good. This was a way to find out.
Ted: And the interview is tonight.
Lily: In New Haven.

Ted: You don't want to get married.
Lily: Of course I wanna get married. I- It's not like I was ever going to do it. I just- I just really wanted to see if I could get this.
Ted: Lily, we live in the center of art and culture in America. I'm sure you could find a program here that's just as selective. But you chose one in a city 3,000 miles away, and you didn't tell Marshall. I think it's pretty clear what that means.
Lily: Okay, I... I was having second thoughts. But I'm not any more. I... I mean, this flat tire was a sign. I'm not supposed to do this. I'm supposed to go home and-and be with Marshall. You must think I'm so stupid.
Ted: I don't think you're stupid.
Lily: I love Marshall.
Ted: I know you do. Come here. It's okay. Look... Marriage is big. You're allowed to freak out.
Lily: But why am I the only one? How come Marshall isn't doing anything crazy?
[meanwhile:]
Marshall: So all we need is one large shipping box and 100 white mice.

Ted: [on the phone] Hey, Lily, this is Ted, the guy you left stranded by the side of the road. I just wanted to say good luck with the interview, remember to pick up some milk... Oh, and, when I get home, I'm going to kill you. And, also, I texted you the same thing. [phones Barney] Hey, I need a big favor.
Barney: Anything, bro.
Ted: I need you to come up to Duchess County and pick me up.
Barney: No.
Ted: It's kind of an emergency.
Barney: What are you doing in Duchess County?
Ted: Apple picking.

Barney: [on the phone with Ted] I wish I could help, buddy, but I'm stuck here at work. We're kind of swamped.
Marshall: Is that Ted?
Barney: Yeah. He's stuck in Duchess County.
Marshall: Don't you have a big date tonight?
Ted: Uh, Marshall. Hi. Yes. Yes, I do.
Marshall: So what are you doing in Duchess County?
Ted: Can't a brother go apple picking without getting the third degree? Damn!

Marshall: [on the phone] Okay, well, hang on. I'm coming to get you.
Ted: No!
Marshall: Relax, man. I'll take the Fiero.
Ted: No, no, no. Just forget it. Ha, ha! A little prank. I'm not in Duchess County.
Marshall: So that's the prank? That you're not in Duchess County?
Ted: Yep. Gotcha! Classic! Gotta go.