Lily: We just don't want to burden our little angel with all kinds of gender-specific expectations. Boys can do ballet; girls can play football.
Marshall: Hell, the Green Bay Packers have been proving that for years. That would've gotten a big laugh at a sports bar.

Ted: [on the phone] Why did you make me call Victoria? She's here in a wedding dress. I'm the verge of ruining a wedding! And Mrs. Madsen's friend thinks I'm gay, but let's put a pin in that till later.
Robin: [to Lily and Marshall] Oh, my God. Victoria's at the bar with Ted.
Lily: That's a seven.
Robin: And she's in a wedding dress.
Marshall: That's a ten. We got a ten!

[As Robin and Nick talk at a restaurant, she is on speakerphone with the gang back at the apartment:]
Robin: Hey, Nick. I'm sorry about that. Um, listen. There's something I need to talk to you about.
Nick: No, Robin, I'm sorry. I'm, like, half here. That phone call, it just... I got some really bad news. My doctor did an M.R. I. And...
Robin: Oh. Oh, God. What... What is it?
Nick: My groin injury is worse than they thought. I can't play basketball for weeks.
Ted: Oh, thank God. I thought he was dying or something.
Marshall: How many weeks? How many weeks? Please tell me it's not a tear in the iliolumbar ligament.
Nick: It's a tear in the libial flumflar liniment.
Marshall: If it's a small tear, he can still make play-offs.
Nick: It's a big tear.
Marshall: He better not be out for the season.
Nick: I'm out for the season.
Marshall: Damn it!

Future Ted: [v.o.] As for Marshall and Daphne, they got caught in that big storm. Luckily, they had a place to crash for the night. My childhood home. Okay, that sign might not have been there.
Marshall: Thank you so much for letting us stay the night, Mrs. Mosby.
Virginia Mosby: Oh, it's our pleasure. I'm just glad that storm has passed.
Clint: But there's one storm that hasn't passed, isn't there, Marshall?
Marshall: Hey, Clint.
Clint: You know what I'm talking about, don't you, Marshall? I'm talking about the one that's been raining cats and dogs all over this-this, this friendship.
Daphne: This isn't a friendship.
Clint: Oh. Nice.

Marshall: We're reluctant travel companions.
Clint: Well, little known fact about me. I'm an almost-graduate of the Conflict Resolution program over at... at Tri-C. I even had my own practice at Van Aken Plaza before the manager of the Wendy's made me stop hogging the booth. The point is, I can fix this.
Marshall: Oh, I don't know, Clint.
Clint: [plays guitar and sings] Gonna resolve some conflicts Gonna resolve some conflicts Gonna make a deeper understanding Through mediation.

Marshall: Ooh, zitch dog. Cocker spaniel in the Jetta. That's Marshall Eriksen, 28, Daphne, zero.
Daphne: For the 28th time, I'm not playing your stupid game!
Marshall: Oh, stupid, huh? That's great. I guess Daphne gets to pick the music and crap all over my fun road-trip games. You know, maybe Clint was right. Maybe we do need conflict resolution.
Clint: I knew you guys would come around.
Both: [scream]

Marshall: Clint, what are you doing here?
Clint: What the Ohio State Board of Holistic Medicine has repeatedly told me I'm in no way qualified to do: my job. When I see a conflict needs resolving, I must act. Plus, Ted's mom wanted me out of the house. So, today, we're gonna build a new paradigm of understanding, and then you're gonna swoop me on back to Shaker Heights. Oh, I need to stop at Record Rev on Coventry. My vaporizer's ready.
Daphne: Marshall, pull over and dump this hippie on the side of the road.
Marshall: I can't do that.
Clint: [plays guitar and sings] Gonna resolve some conflicts Gonna resolve some conflicts
Daphne: Daphne picks the music.
Clint: Gonna end this argument Between Marshall and his mistress.
Daphne: Oh, come on. Daphne picks the music!

Lily: I can't believe it. We got Van Smoot House.
Marshall: It is on. It is on! Like the former Soviet Republic of Azerbaijan.

Marshall: Exactly. Now, me driving my brother's car the wrong way down l-94, that was a huge mistake.
Barney & Ted: Drunk.
Lily & Robin: Kid.
Marshall: I was... A kid.

Lily: I'm not going to let you do this. When Nora gets back here, I'm blowing the whistle.
Marshall: Just make sure it's not a high-frequency whistle, because we don't want to torture Robin's boyfriend.