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Last Cigarette Ever

‘Last Cigarette Ever’

Season 5, Episode 11 -  Aired December 14, 2009

As the gang try hard to stop smoking, Robin's new co-anchor is less than enthusiastic about his new job.

Quote from Robin

Don: What you doing?
Robin: If you must know, I am reaching out to City Hall to try to get the mayor on our show.
Don: Oh, my goodness, you are adorable, but the mayor's not coming on a show nobody watches. My colonoscopy had more viewers than this show. At least that had some twists and turns.
Robin: Okay, you know, I don't know why you're acting like this. I mean, maybe you're just bitter because you never had a shot at a network job, but I think I still do, so I really need to focus.
Don: I've been on a network.
[The director drops his coffee mug in shock:]
Robin: You were on a network?
Don: It was the best Labor Day weekend of my life. When you do the news, you're in these ergonomic chairs. It feels like you're sitting on a cloud. Which was nice 'cause it was right after my colonoscopy. And the dressing rooms... Oh.
Director: There's dressing rooms?
Don: Oh, you bet your sweet headset there's dressing rooms, Mike. No changing in the KFC bathroom across the street. No, sir. It was heaven. But the second you get used to it, they go find someone who isn't "going through a bitter divorce" and doesn't "reek of gin," and before you know it, you're stuck in a dead-end gig, surrounded by people going nowhere, doing the news in your tighty whities.
Robin: Okay, the underwear thing was your choice, and I don't like that it's catching on.

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Quote from Robin

Robin: God, I want to kill him. Of course people watch the show. You guys watch the show, that's, like, two right there. [off their looks] Oh, my God. You guys still haven't seen my show.
Marshall: What? We never miss it.
Lily: We've seen it!
Robin: Really? What color is the set?
[Marshall and Lily stutter]
Marshall: It's black.
Lily: Right. Yeah.
Marshall: With, like, silver around the edges.
Lily: Uh-huh. Yeah.
Robin: Not your TV set, my show set.
Both: Oh.

Quote from Ted

Ted: Well, it's dividing our group into smokers and non-smokers. And that's not healthy.
Barney: You're right. Let's go have a smoke.
[2030:]
Son & Daughter: What?
Future Ted: [v.o.] Yeah, I'm not proud of it.

Quote from Lily

Future Ted: [v.o.] But as glamorous as it was, within a week we all hit our breaking point.
Lily: [coughing]
Marshall: You okay, sweetie?
Lily: [raspy voice] Actually, baby, my throat's a bit sore.

Quote from Marshall

Arthur: So, I'm whapping him across the nose with the newspaper, right? And my wife says, "Come on, you can't treat your son like that." I don't know. [grunts, clutches chest] Michael, call 911.
Marshall: Oh, my God. Okay, yes, yeah, right away. It's Marshall, by the way.

Quote from Barney

Barney: Oh, my God. I hope Arthur's okay. Dibs on his office if he's not.

Quote from Marshall

Ted: We have to quit smoking.
Lily: [in a raspy voice] Honey, you said a mouthful.
Marshall: I wish I had never started. I mean, I think back to myself at 13 years old. If I could only go back to that moment...
[Marshall imagines punching thirteen-year-old Marshall in the stomach as he's about to smoke a cigarette for the first time]
Marshall: I hate that little bastard.
Lily: [raspy voice] Me, too.

Quote from Lily

Robin: Hey. I was just wondering, is anyone else interviewing the mayor tomorrow on TV, or is it just me?
All: Hey, that's great.
Robin: Yeah, Don can suck it, while I suck this. Light me, Marshall.
Marshall: Actually, we've decided that we're all quitting smoking.
Robin: That's fantastic. I'm sick of you guys bumming my cigarettes.
Ted: No, come on, Robin. We can't do it unless we all do it together.
Robin: No.
Lily: [in a raspy voice] You can sleep with Marshall.
Marshall: Oh, God, Lily, no.
Lily: Sorry, baby, you got to take one for the team.
Robin: I don't want to sleep with Marshall.
Marshall: I've seen the looks.
Lily: Right.

Quote from Ted

Ted: No, wait! Robin, Robin, think about this for a second. Bloomberg is the anti-smoking mayor. Do you really want to show up to that interview smelling like smoke? It'd be like interviewing a vegetarian smelling like a McRib.
Marshall: Really? Like I'm not going through enough right now?
Ted: Look, you're quitting. We're all quitting.

Quote from Barney

Lily: [in a raspy voice] Barney, do you have to bite your nails so loud?
Barney: I'm not biting my nails. I'm trying to suck the leftover nicotine out of my fingertips.
Ted: Marshall, can you pass the onion rings?
Marshall: What, you got dinosaur arms? They're right here.
Barney: What do you think cigarettes are doing right now? You think they're thinking about us?

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