Marshall: Wait, Scooter is working at your school?
Lily: Are you jealous?
Marshall: No, I just feel bad for Scooter. 'Cause the only reason he took that job is he thinks he has a shot with you. You have to make it clear that he doesn't so that he can move on, and a real lunch lady can get her job back. Damn!

[flashback to Lily in the school cafeteria:]
Scooter: Hey, Lily. I saw you have seventh period free. So do I. You want to run away together?
Lily: Let me be clear, Scooter, there's no way you and I can ever be together. [Scooter stares longingly into her eyes] Right now.
Scooter: I'll see you tomorrow, Lily. It's Tijuana Tuesday.
[present:]
Marshall: "Right now"? You "right nowed" Scooter? You need to let Scooter off the hook once and for all.
Lily: You're right. Day after tomorrow, that's exactly what I'm gonna do.
Marshall: Why not tomorrow?
Lily: Baby, I can't ruin Tijuana Tuesday.

Barney: Ted, let me be clear, this girl is a poison and you need to cut her out of your life forever.
[Tiffany and an array of suitcase-wheeling women walk into MacLaren's:]
Ted: Hey, there she is. Oh, she brought some of her co-workers.
Barney: Hang on to this girl, Ted. Hang on to her and never let go!

Barney: Ted, these are some of the hottest girls I've ever seen. And they all work with Tiffany?
Ted: Yep.
Barney: There can only be one explanation for this. Ted, is Tiffany a [stuters] Pharmaceutical sales rep?
Ted: Yeah. How did you know that?
Barney: And you never thought to mention that? [slams the table]

Marshall: Hey, so, I know that you've been having trouble letting Scooter off the hook. I decided what you need is practice. Now, you say the problem is his cute, sad eyes? Well...
[Marshall goes and gets the teacup pig]
Lily: [squeals]
Marshall: All right, shut it, woman. Now, I want you to look at this teacup pig, and tell him that there's no way that you could ever be with him.
Lily: Teacup pig, there is no way I can ever be with you. [stares into its eyes] Right now.
Marshall: Oh, come on, grow a pair!

Lily: I'm sorry. But he's just so freaking cute. I just want to cuddle him all day long. Yes, I do.
Marshall: You know, it's funny, I remember when you used to say things like that about me.
Lily: Well, I still do.
Marshall: Yeah. Not as much, Lily. Not as much.

Ted: Guys, great news! Tiffany broke up with her boyfriend. Proof that I am not on the hook.
Robin: Oh, you're still on the hook.
Ted: Uh-uh. Listen to how we spent last night. [v.o.] First, we cuddled. Then, we shared chocolate cake. Then, well, I don't usually join in on locker room talk, but I gave her a pretty sensual foot rub.
Robin: And, let me guess, it didn't go any further than that.
Ted: Well, no, but...
Lily: And, tell me, did you by any chance make that chocolate cake?
Ted: It was a mix.

Lily: There's no shame in admitting it, Ted. We've all been on people's hooks, and we've all kept someone on a hook.
Ted: Um, I most certainly have not.
Robin: What? Are you joking?
Ted: What?
Robin: What about that girl from the university library, Henrietta?
Ted: Henrietta and I are just friends.
Robin: Oh, she is so on your hook.
Ted: Absolutely not!
Future Ted: [v.o.] She totally was. I mean, we cuddled. We shared chocolate cake. She gave me foot rubs. Long ones. I'm not proud, kids.

Robin: You like having Henrietta around for the same reason that Tiffany likes having you around. It's a nice little ego boost.
Ted: No wonder you're such an expert about keeping people on the hook. What about that poor camera guy
you work with?
Robin: Mike and I are just friends.
Ted: Come on!
[flashback to Robin eating chocolate cake as Mike rubs her feet]
Robin: Yeah, that's the stuff.
Mike: Robin, have you ever thought about taking us to the next level?
Robin: Well, if you're talking about doing my laundry, I'm on board.
Mike: You got yourself a deal.

Future Ted: [v.o.] So there I was, at one of the surest signs of taking a relationship to the next level, an out-of-town wedding. It was finally happening.
Ted: Champagne?
Tiffany: Ted! Oh, my gosh. I forgot to call you.
Ted: Well, whatever it is you wanted to talk about, we can talk about it now.
Tiffany: Um, this is Jack. He's the best man at the wedding. We just got back together.
Ted: You know, now that I think about it, a phone call would have been nice.
Jack: You're Ted? Ouch! But I hear you make a mean chocolate cake.