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Season 5, Episode 16 -  Aired March 1, 2010

Ted's friends try to convince him that he's being strung along by an attractive woman, Tiffany (guest star Carrie Underwood), who never seems ready to commit to a relationship.

Quote from Marshall

Marshall: Wait, Scooter is working at your school?
Lily: Are you jealous?
Marshall: No, I just feel bad for Scooter. 'Cause the only reason he took that job is he thinks he has a shot with you. You have to make it clear that he doesn't so that he can move on, and a real lunch lady can get her job back. Damn!


Quote from Lily

[flashback to Lily in the school cafeteria:]
Scooter: Hey, Lily. I saw you have seventh period free. So do I. You want to run away together?
Lily: Let me be clear, Scooter, there's no way you and I can ever be together. [Scooter stares longingly into her eyes] Right now.
Scooter: I'll see you tomorrow, Lily. It's Tijuana Tuesday.
Marshall: "Right now"? You "right nowed" Scooter? You need to let Scooter off the hook once and for all.
Lily: You're right. Day after tomorrow, that's exactly what I'm gonna do.
Marshall: Why not tomorrow?
Lily: Baby, I can't ruin Tijuana Tuesday.

Quote from Barney

Barney: Ted, let me be clear, this girl is a poison and you need to cut her out of your life forever.
[Tiffany and an array of suitcase-wheeling women walk into MacLaren's:]
Ted: Hey, there she is. Oh, she brought some of her co-workers.
Barney: Hang on to this girl, Ted. Hang on to her and never let go!

Quote from Barney

Barney: Ted, these are some of the hottest girls I've ever seen. And they all work with Tiffany?
Ted: Yep.
Barney: There can only be one explanation for this. Ted, is Tiffany a [stuters] Pharmaceutical sales rep?
Ted: Yeah. How did you know that?
Barney: And you never thought to mention that? [slams the table]

Quote from Marshall

Marshall: Hey, so, I know that you've been having trouble letting Scooter off the hook. I decided what you need is practice. Now, you say the problem is his cute, sad eyes? Well...
[Marshall goes and gets the teacup pig]
Lily: [squeals]
Marshall: All right, shut it, woman. Now, I want you to look at this teacup pig, and tell him that there's no way that you could ever be with him.
Lily: Teacup pig, there is no way I can ever be with you. [stares into its eyes] Right now.
Marshall: Oh, come on, grow a pair!

Quote from Marshall

Lily: I'm sorry. But he's just so freaking cute. I just want to cuddle him all day long. Yes, I do.
Marshall: You know, it's funny, I remember when you used to say things like that about me.
Lily: Well, I still do.
Marshall: Yeah. Not as much, Lily. Not as much.

Quote from Ted

Ted: Guys, great news! Tiffany broke up with her boyfriend. Proof that I am not on the hook.
Robin: Oh, you're still on the hook.
Ted: Uh-uh. Listen to how we spent last night. [v.o.] First, we cuddled. Then, we shared chocolate cake. Then, well, I don't usually join in on locker room talk, but I gave her a pretty sensual foot rub.
Robin: And, let me guess, it didn't go any further than that.
Ted: Well, no, but...
Lily: And, tell me, did you by any chance make that chocolate cake?
Ted: It was a mix.

Quote from Future Ted

Lily: There's no shame in admitting it, Ted. We've all been on people's hooks, and we've all kept someone on a hook.
Ted: Um, I most certainly have not.
Robin: What? Are you joking?
Ted: What?
Robin: What about that girl from the university library, Henrietta?
Ted: Henrietta and I are just friends.
Robin: Oh, she is so on your hook.
Ted: Absolutely not!
Future Ted: [v.o.] She totally was. I mean, we cuddled. We shared chocolate cake. She gave me foot rubs. Long ones. I'm not proud, kids.

Quote from Robin

Robin: You like having Henrietta around for the same reason that Tiffany likes having you around. It's a nice little ego boost.
Ted: No wonder you're such an expert about keeping people on the hook. What about that poor camera guy
you work with?
Robin: Mike and I are just friends.
Ted: Come on!
[flashback to Robin eating chocolate cake as Mike rubs her feet]
Robin: Yeah, that's the stuff.
Mike: Robin, have you ever thought about taking us to the next level?
Robin: Well, if you're talking about doing my laundry, I'm on board.
Mike: You got yourself a deal.

Quote from Ted

Future Ted: [v.o.] So there I was, at one of the surest signs of taking a relationship to the next level, an out-of-town wedding. It was finally happening.
Ted: Champagne?
Tiffany: Ted! Oh, my gosh. I forgot to call you.
Ted: Well, whatever it is you wanted to talk about, we can talk about it now.
Tiffany: Um, this is Jack. He's the best man at the wedding. We just got back together.
Ted: You know, now that I think about it, a phone call would have been nice.
Jack: You're Ted? Ouch! But I hear you make a mean chocolate cake.

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