Robin: Hey, how's it going?
Ted: Still in mourning over the end of the pharma girl era?
Barney: No. I realized that their reign had to end to make room for some new hot girl profession. Maybe it'll be
intergalactic communications officer on a rocket ship to some distant solar system we can't possibly imagine. Maybe it'll be meter maids. We just don't know. But one thing is sure. The future glows like a giant sun shooting amber rays of light into our hearts and minds.
Robin: Wow, what changed your mind?
Barney: The realization that hope springs eternal, Robin. That and this little bottle of purple pills I found in my couch cushion. I don't know what they are, [laughing] but they are amazing!

Barney: Yeah, bait is tricky. It has to be something interesting enough to get the girl upstairs, but not so interesting that it overpowers the night. [v.o.] I found that a slot machine was too fun. And a trampoline turned out to be too dangerous. But then I found the perfect bait. A teacup pig.
Ted: A teacup pig? Who's that working on?
Lily, Robin & Marshall: [high-pitched] You have a teacup pig?
Ted: Can I borrow your teacup pig?
Barney: Yes, you can borrow my teacup pig.
[cut to Ted with Tiffany in his apartment:]
Tiffany: You have a teacup pig? Oh, my gosh, I can't believe you have a teacup pig.

Ted: Were you always this pretty? Or are you gonna give me that whole "Oh, in high school, I was really shy and awkward" line?
Tiffany: I was shy and awkward. I was like 100 pounds heavier and I had these crazy buck teeth.
Ted: Seriously?
Tiffany: No. I've always been hot. What are you gonna do? Do you know who else would love this teacup pig?
Ted: Hmm.
Tiffany: My boyfriend.

Ted: You have a boyfriend?
Tiffany: Ugh, I know. So annoying, right? I mean, he's not really my boyfriend.
Ted: Oh, good.
Tiffany: I mean, technically, he kind of is.
Ted: Well, is he or isn't he?
Tiffany: Some of both, but definitely not neither.
Ted: [to the teacup pig] Are you getting any of this?
Tiffany: Look, I really like you. I just need you to be patient. I don't want to lose you, big brown eyes.

Ted: Yep. Somebody doesn't want to lose "big brown eyes."
Robin: Oh, Ted. She's got you on the hook.
Ted: What? What? I'm not on the hook.
Robin: Oh, you are totally on the hook. She's stringing you along, but she's not committing to you, but she's keeping you around, just in case, like an old can of chili in the pantry.
Lily: Um... Who's buying canned chili and not eating it immediately?
Marshall: Amen, sister. [high-fives]

Marshall: I've been on the hook. Lisa Walker. Picture it. 1994, St. Cloud, Minnesota.
[flashback to young Marshall talking with a girl on the deck of his house:]
Marshall: So, I was, like, thinking, Lisa, do you maybe want to, like, go out with me?
Lisa: That sounds great. But I'm sort of seeing this guy. He's got a LeBaron convertible
and an in at the roller rink, so I'd hate to burn that bridge.
Marshall: I understand.
Lisa: But how about this? You can be my secret boyfriend who does all my homework for me.
Marshall: A'ight. You want to see my rap poster?
[present:]
Lily: Poster whore!

Marshall: Anyway, Lisa Walker strung me along for months until, one night, I went to go tell her how much I loved her.
All: Aww.
Marshall: In song.
All: Ew.
[flashback to Marshall waiting with his guitar outside Lisa's house:]
Marshall: [v.o.] She wasn't home yet, so I waited. And waited. I woke up four hours later covered in snow, and that's when I saw it, Lisa 's footsteps. She had walked right over me and into the house. It was the best thing
that could've happened. It got me off her hook.

Ted: Okay, that is definitely not what's going on with me and Tiffany. Listen to this.
[flashback to Ted and Tiffany talking:]
Tiffany: I'm really into you. I just can't be with you right now.
[present:]
Ted: Eh? Eh?
Robin: Ted, "right now" is the classic on-the-hook catchphrase.
Marshall: Yep. "Right now" paints a picture of some sort of magical future time when everything will work out. But the truth is that will never happen.
Barney: It's like this, "I can't be with you." Boom! "Right now." [imitates door creaking open]

Lily: Yeah, I think my high school boyfriend, Scooter, is still sort of on the hook for me.
Marshall: Sort of? He totally is. The poor guy showed up at our wedding hoping to win you back.
Lily: Yeah. It's still sometimes weird when I see him at work.
Marshall: Wait, what?
Lily: Scooter works in the school cafeteria. We've talked about this.
[flashback to Lily in the school cafeteria:]
Scooter: Hey, Lily. Nice dress. Tater Tots? [mouths] I love you.

Marshall: We most certainly have not talked about this!
Lily: Yes, we have. I've mentioned it tons of times. Lunch lady Scooter.
Marshall: I thought that you were referring to some sort of long overdue device that carries around those
poor, underappreciated lunch ladies.
Lily: This explains a lot.
[flashback to Lily and Marshall talking at home:]
Lily: Lunch lady Scooter was there again today.
Marshall: Oh ,yeah, did you jump on that thing? Give it a ride?
Lily: No!
Marshall: Really? If it were me, I'd be riding that scooter all day long until I broke that thing in half.
[present:]
Marshall: So those poor women still have to walk everywhere?