[flashback to Barney and Virginia laughing as he drives her to the airport in 2006. Bob Seger's "Night Moves" plays on the radio:]
Barney: And that's how you got the brooch? Unbelievable. So, here we are.
Virginia Mosby: Here we are.
Barney: We made good time.
Virginia Mosby: Not a lot of traffic.
Barney: Stupid.
Virginia Mosby: Oh, I love this song.
Barney: Do you? I can...
[Barney and Virginia's hands touch as he turns up the radio]
Barney: Listen, Ted's mom. I should really not... I...
Virginia Mosby: Ssh.
[Virginia leans in and kisses Barney]
Barney: Your penis is enormous.
[present:]
Marshall: Again. Always one too far.

Barney: Okay, all right, fine. That last part I made up. But the rest of it, I swear, was true. Come on, dude, your mom is a cougar.
Robin: Wait, I thought you said a cougar can't be over 50.
Barney: Okay, she's a Mellencamp.

Ted: Hi.
Virginia Mosby: Ted, what are you doing here?
Ted: I never got to give you guys your toast. I was selfish, and I freaked out, and I'm so sorry. So here it is. [clears throat] How about a hand for the DJ? Gesture to D... I'll skip down. Mom, I love you. And I've never seen you as happy as you are with Clint. And, Clint, welcome to the family. What you two have is what I one day hope to find. But until then, cheers to you both. I love you guys.
Virginia Mosby: Ted. I am so... baked right now. I'm only 60% sure you're actually standing in front of me. But if you are, I love you. And you are the best son a mother could ever have.
Future Ted: [v.o.] There was no logical reason why my mother should be with a guy like that. And yet, as you kids know, being with your Grandpa Clint was the best decision your grandma ever made. Sometimes, our best decisions are the ones that don't make any sense at all.

Ted: Can I show you some of the ideas I have?
Marshall: Yeah.
Future Ted: [v.o.] And kids, Marshall was right. I didn't give up on my dream house. Because that's the thing
about stupid decisions. We all make them. But time is funny. And sometimes a little magical. It can take a stupid decision and turn it into something else entirely. Because, kids, as you know, that house is this house.

Marshall: Did he say he found a hobo?
Ted: Okay, yes. There are problems. But I see this house for what I know it can be. I see a swing on that tree outside. I see a wreath on the front door at Christmas, I see a grill out on that patio, where I'll be barbecuing every weekend. I see a life that I know I can have here.
[floorboard groans]
Inspector: Mama!
[The inspector falls through the floor and lands near the group]
Barney: I see a lawsuit.
Inspector: Found termites.

Barney: That's all right, buddy. Sometimes, people make the wrong decisions in life. Like your mother.
Ted: What do you mean?
Barney: Ted, as you know, I've always been very, very fond of your mother.
Ted: Please don't.
Barney: In fact, Virginia and I shared a special moment back in 2006 B.C. Before Clint.
Ted: What the hell are you talking about?
Barney: I wanted to be your dad.
Ted: What does that even mean?
Barney: Don't you talk back to me, young man. That's why I cried at Clint's song. Because that bastard took her away from me. And now, all I'm left with is the memory of dropping her off at the airport.

Ted: Hey, let's check out the porch, huh? Come on. I'm gonna put a grill out here, every Sunday, right here. It's gonna be a total sausage fest.
Marshall: Sausage party?
Ted: Burgers. Right, I'll do... We'll do burgers.

Marshall: Exactly. Now, me driving my brother's car the wrong way down l-94, that was a huge mistake.
Barney & Ted: Drunk.
Lily & Robin: Kid.
Marshall: I was... A kid.

Ted: Guys, I am screwed. I mean, the best I can do is level this place, and sell the property for a huge loss.
Lily: Look, Ted, usually in life, when you make a stupid decision, you just have to live with it. But how often do you get the chance to pick up a sledgehammer and bash the living hell out of it?
Ted: [picks up sledgehammer, gets ready to swing and then stops] This is stupid.
Barney: Your mom and I got to second base.
[Ted starts swinging the sledgehammer. His friends take turns.]

Virginia Mosby: I cannot believe I am with that man.
Ted: Mom, Mom, it's okay. You don't have to settle. There are plenty of guys...
Virginia Mosby: He's so cool. And he picked me. [giddy scream]
Ted: Well, I'm glad you're both so happy.
Clint: Well, good. Because we do have an announcement. Son.