Future Ted: [v.o.] So, there I was, kids, standing in your mother's apartment. Never mind the fact that I was on a date with her roommate, Cindy.
Ted: Sorry, I shouldn't be messing with your roommate's stuff. What's she like?
Future Ted: I didn't know it, but I was about to hear the very first description of the woman I'd one day marry.
Cindy: She's a whore. I think she's a dominatrix.
Ted: What?
Cindy: Okay, I'm sorry, none of that is true. I have a bit of a roommate complex.
Ted: Why?
Cindy: Guys are always falling in love with her.
Ted: Hey, hey, look at me. I promise you I am not going to fall in love with your roommate.
Future Ted: Oops.

Future Ted: [v.o.] And speaking of things that are less awesome, your Uncle Barney had officially suited down.
Karina: I am so sorry I misjudged you. If there is one type of person that I cannot stand, it is a man in a suit.
Barney: Ugh.
Karina: That, and a woman who has no respect for herself. Ugh.
Barney: Yeah. Suits and insecure women. I hate them. Just hate them.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Of course, they were right. I had to let it go. But as your Uncle Barney was about to find out, it's not so easy to let things go.
[voices whispering]
Male voice: Suit up.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Now, none of us had ever seen Barney go this long without suiting up, and, kids, it wasn't pretty.
Marshall: So sorry I'm late. I got stuck at work. Yeah, today I had that presentation on offshore dividend tax implications.
[Barney starts stroking Marshall's suit, before nuzzling his face across it]
Lily: Sure, I was totally paying attention when you talked about that.
Marshall: Right, so I fire up the PowerPoint... Um, Barney?

Robin: Well, at least now you can finally drop this quest for the so-called hot bartender.
Barney: No. My suit gave its life for this cause, and I will not rest until those... I mean, that... I mean, she is mine.
Ted: He's absolutely right.
Lily: Who, the guy kissing a jar full of dead suit ashes? That guy?

Lily: Come on, Marshall. Just admit that she's hotter than me. I won't be hurt.
Marshall: Can't do it. You're hotter.
Lily: She's a goddess! Her skin glows. Her legs go for miles. And that ass? I would wear that thing for a hat. Last night in bed, I'll admit it, she popped into my head a couple of times.
Marshall: Whoa. What are you trying.... Like, you think she's hotter than me?
Lily: I never said that.
Marshall: Oh, my God! You do.
Lily: Well, it's apples and oranges. She's younger than you.
Marshall: Well, I'm just saying, like, me in my prime versus her in her prime.
Lily: Well...

Robin: Oh, my God! You guys, her hotness isn't even real! It's circumstantial hotness. Watch.
[Robin steps behind the bar. Her hair is blown back as he pours cocktails in a sultry way]
Marshall: I suppose you think she's hotter than me, too.
Carl: What the hell are you doing?
Robin: What?
Carl: You're not allowed back here.
Robin: Oh, no. Uh, I... Carl, look. [stuttering] No. I don't want to go back. Please, please, just don't make me go back.
Carl: You got to go.
Robin: Don't. I...
Carl: You got to go.
Robin: I just... No, Carl. I was... I was somebody back there! Everybody loved me.

Barney: He was just so special, you know? I feel like we should give him a moment of silence. Followed by, like, 20 minutes of grunting.
Karina: I'm gonna make you feel all better. Let me just go freshen up.
Barney: All right. Oh, wait. No, no, that's not the bathroom!
Karina: Are these yours?
Barney: I'm suit-sitting for someone.
Karina: Barney, you lied to me. You have to choose right now. Me or the suits.

Lily: Okay, now that you've had a closer look, admit it. That bartender is the hottest woman in this bar.
Robin: [coughs] Second hottest.
Marshall: I repeat... Eh.
Lily: [scoffs] Baby, how could you not want to hit that? I want to hit that. If you don't want to hit that, I'm sorry, but you might be gay.
Marshall: Hell, yeah, I'm gay. Gay for you.