Marshall: Grandma sitting next to the band, divorced couples one table away from each other? No coherent singles table? This is the Robin's hair of seating charts.
Ted: Singles tables are cruel. I mean, what if you went to a wedding with a table of fat guys?
Marshall: That'd be awesome.
Ted: You're right, it would.
Marshall: Let's crack this Blauman nut, then work on the fat-guy table.

Ted: Anyway, enter Gary Blauman.
[flashback:]
Gary Blauman: Is that the Teddy Roosevelt biography? Coolest guy ever.
Steph: Right? Right?
Gary Blauman: Right? Right?
Ted: Right? Right?
Steph: Right?
Ted: [v.o.] So the three of us started talking Teddy Roosevelt.
Ted: When he took that flight on the Wright brothers' plane?
Steph: So cool.
Gary Blauman: The time he climbed the tallest mountain in Europe on his honeymoon?
Steph: So cool.
Ted: [.vo.] And that's when I realized: Blauman and I were locked in a battle of wills that made T.R.'s charge up San Juan Hill look like a walk in the park. Or should I say, in the national park, since Roosevelt spearheaded the establishment...
[present:]
Marshall: Dude, come on. I gave you one.

Ted: The battle raged on.
[flashback:]
Steph: In a way he was...
All: The archetype of the modern politician.
Steph: Oh, my God.
Ted: [telepathically] Dude, knock it off.
Gary Blauman: [telepathically] Knock what off, bro?
Ted: [telepathically] This is my apartment, my Teddy Roosevelt conversation. I get the girl.
Gary Blauman: [telepathically] Oh. So the fact that you're the incumbent means she should just pick you? Tell that to William Howard Taft.
Ted: [telepathically] You're calling me Taft? If anyone's Taft, you're Taft.
Gary Blauman: [telepathically] I'm not Taft. I'm Teddy.
Ted: [telepathically] The hell you are. My name is Ted.
Gary Blauman: [telepathically] Yeah, right.Go sign the Payne-Aldrich Tariff Act, Taft.
Ted: [telepathically] Ah! How dare you?
Steph: Skinny-dipping in the Potomac River.
All: [laugh]

Ted: And so the standoff continued. Hours passed. Then days.
Marshall: Days passed?
Ted: Days passed.
[flashback:]
Ted: [v.o.] Finally, like T.R. Stricken by tropical fever on his Amazon trek, we could go no further.
Gary Blauman: When he was assistant secretary of the Navy...
Ted: Will you just pick one of us already so I can either have sex or go to sleep?
Robin: Smooth, bro.
[present:]
Ted: After that day, I have never liked that guy. So let's just tell Robin this can't be done and send Gary Blauman packing.

Lily: Did you just say "Gary Blauman"?
Ted: Yeah.
Lily: I love that guy.
Ted: What? He's the devil.
Lily: He's an angel. It was 2006. Marshall and I had broken up. I was back in New York, feeling vulnerable and listening to my breakup song over and over.
Marshall: Sugar Ray's "Fly."
Lily: You know it.
Ted: Man, you know nothing about breakups.
Lily: I really don't. [high fives Marshall]

Lily: Anyway, then I hit bottom.
Ted: There's a bottom below Sugar Ray?
Lily: Mm. [shows Ted a tattoo]
Ted: What? Why have I never seen that before?
Lily: I've been using cover-up and strategically placed straps for a long time to keep this puppy quiet.
Ted: After all the times you guys made fun of me for my breakup butterfly tattoo?
Both: [snicker]
Marshall: Oh, fact-that-Ted-got-a-butterfly-tattoo, will you ever stop being hilarious?

Ted: So why is it only half a butterfly?
Lily: Because Gary Blauman saw me in the tattoo parlor, dragged me out and talked some sense into me.
[flashback to Lily and Gary Blauman at MacLaren's:]
Gary Blauman: Lily, trust me, you and Marshall are going to get back together. And when you do, you'll be so glad you did not get the other half of that butterfly.
Lily: Actually, I was gonna get a little more than the butterfly.
Gary Blauman: It's good that I ran into you.
[present:]
Lily: Marshall, Blauman saved you from a lifetime of looking at Sugar Ray every time we do it on your birthday. Find him a nice seat.

Ted: Neither of us was gonna back down. So finally we decided to take it to the groom.
The Mother: [gasps]
Ted: Whoa. What's going on?
The Mother: Shh.
Ted: Who's that guy?
The Mother: It's my ex-boyfriend.

Ted: So we're crouching behind a van, hiding from your ex-boyfriend. Forgive me, I'm a little bit of a detective. But it was a bad breakup?
The Mother: Pretty bad.
Ted: Bad like there was a big fight?
The Mother: Bad like there was a big ring.
Ted: Bad like this happened in the past year?
The Mother: Bad like it happened Saturday.
Ted: So bad.
The Mother: Yeah.

The Mother: Okay, he's gone. I'm so sorry, Ted. I really like you. But I'm in the weirdest place on Earth right now.
Ted: You're in a Scottish-Mexican restaurant?
The Mother: Ha, ha. Yeah. Yeah, I am. It's just too soon for me to be dating. I think I should head home.
Ted: Well, want me to walk with you? Lots of scary ex-boyfriends in this neighborhood.