Barney: Watch your steps when you get up, kids, 'cause I am about to drop some knowledge. Relationships are like a freeway.
Marshall: Wait a minute, a month ago you told me relationships are like a traveling circus.
Barney: No, this is new. This trumps that. Freeways have exits. So do relationships. The first exit, my personal favorite, is six hours in. You meet, you talk, you have sex, you exit when she's in the shower.
Robin: So every girl you have sex with feels the immediate need to shower? Actually, yeah, I get that.
Barney: The next exits are four days, three weeks, seven months... That's when you guys are gonna break up, mark your calendars.
Ted: Hey.
Barney: Then a year and a half, 18 years, and the last exit, death. Which, if you've been with the same woman for your entire life, it's like, "Are we there yet?"

Lily: Speaking of first times, we never got to hear your virginity story.
Marshall: That's right, I almost forgot.
Barney: Okay. I was 16, and it was in a baseball dugout...
Marshall: Fast Times at Ridgemont High.
Barney: I mean, I was in a subway with a high-priced call girl...
Ted: Risky Business.
Barney: I was accidentally hacking into NORAD'S computer...
Ted: That's War Games, and there's not even a sex scene in it.
Barney: All right! I was 23, and it was with my mom's 45-year-old divorced friend, Rhonda. She called me "Barry" the whole time, and for two weeks, my comforter smelled like menthol cigarettes. You happy?

Marshall: Hey, why don't you tell us again about your first time at the camp in the Catskills.
Barney: Baby and her family spent every summer at Kellerman's. Her dad did not approve of our love.
Ted: Did anyone put Baby in a corner?
Barney: Oh, God, no. What can I say, I had the time of my life. True story.

Future Ted: [v.o.] But, kids, later that night, Katie did it, and she got pregnant... with quintuplets... and she lived out her days in a trailer park... where she died an alcoholic. So the moral here, kids, don't have sex until you're married. Maybe even, like, a year or two into marriage.
Son & Daughter: Dad!
Daughter: Come on, what really happened?

Lily: Barney, you okay?
Barney: Yeah, of course. What, you don't believe me? It was at camp, so I'm...
Marshall: What camp?
Barney: This place in the Catskills. Look it up. I was there teaching for the summer.
Robin: What did you teach?
Barney: Uh, dance.
Ted: Dance?
Barney: Yeah, Ted, dance. Maybe you've heard of it.

Barney: It was just a simple summer job, but it turned into so much more. Her name was Frances Houseman, but everyone called her Baby.
[Flashback to a young Barney in a room at camp:]
Barney: Sylvia.
Sylvia: Yes, Mickey?
Barney: How do you call your lover boy?
Sylvia: Come here, lover boy.
Barney: And if he doesn't answer?
Sylvia: Oh, lover boy...
Barney: And if he still doesn't answer?
Sylvia: I simply say, "Baby... Oh, baby. My sweet baby."
[back:]
Lily: That's Dirty Dancing.

Lily: Falafel?
Robin: Falafel.
Lily: Instead of telling Ted you love him, you said "falafel"?
Robin: I totally choked.
Lily: I just don't get it. Why can't you tell Ted you love him?
Robin: Oh, come on, this is a big deal for me.
Lily: Oh, God, you'd think you never said it to a guy before. No.
Robin: Okay, well, I don't usually get this far in the relationship. I usually take the three-week exit.
Lily: Don't tell me you're actually buying into Barney's freeway theory.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Robin convinced Katie to stay with her that first night. And the next day, I took everybody to the Empire State Building.
Ted: You guys are lucky you came here with an architect. Empire State Building fun fact number one: When construction began on March 17, 1930, the framework rose at a rate of four and a half stories per week. Four and a half stories per week. Four and a half stories per week. There it is. There it is. Come on. These are fun facts, guys, let's have fun with them.

Lily: Do you remember our first time?
Marshall: Yeah. It was back in college.
[flashback to Lily and Marshall's college room in 1996:]
Lily: Oh, wait, wait. Look, I really want to do this, but we should make it special, you know? Do this right.
Marshall: [exhales] Okay. You're right. Maybe we could go to the beach and get a house for the weekend.
Lily: Yeah, New Year's Eve.
Marshall: Okay.
Lily: Oh, and we'll light candles and maybe put on some classical music.
Marshall: That's not a good idea.
Lily: Why not?
Marshall: Long story. But maybe we could put on some Al Green and take a bubble bath together.
Lily: Oh, yeah, that sounds so good. Oh, I love you, Marshall. I'm so glad we're waiting.
[twelve minutes later:]
Lily: Oops.

Robin: Oh, that's adorable.
Ted: Yeah, tell her what happened next.
[flashback to Lily and Marshall's college room in 1996:]
Marshall: That was amazing.
Lily: Yeah. Want to do it again?
Ted: [on the top bunk] Please don't.
[back:]
Marshall: We said we were sorry.
Ted: Yeah, well, then why'd you do it again?
Marshall: You know what, I loaned you my Walkman.