Barney: Why are you trying to ruin my life?
Abby: Well, you slept with me and then you never called me again.
Barney: And?
Abby: That's it.
Barney: That's it? As far as I'm concerned, if I leave you safe on dry land with adequate transportation home, you've got nothing to complain about.

Ted: This is insane. Has Lily even worn half this stuff?
Robin: Oh, yeah, like there's nothing in your closet you've never worn?
Ted: As a matter of fact, no, there isn't.
Robin: Whatever, red cowboy boots.
Ted: Those are nice boots. I totally pull those off.
Marshall: Hey, Lil, if I were to say "Ted could never pull them off," what would I be talking about?
Robin: His red cowboy boots.
Ted: I totally pull them off! It's a classic Western look.

Marshall: Oh, okay, uh, today's category: classic Westerns that involve red cowboy boots. Ooh, ooh! Robin.
Robin: The Good, the Bad, and the Fabulous.
Lily: The Magnificent Kevin.
Marshall: No Country for Straight Men.

Lily: I don't want to sell my clothes!
Robin: Oh, I know, sweetie. Come here. [hugs Lily] Is this a hundred percent silk?

Marshall: Lily, listen, we really need the money. I have some leads on a job, but until then, I just... I don't know what else we can do.
Lily: I'll sell my paintings!
Marshall: What?
Lily: Yeah, I'll sell my paintings. Good oil paintings go for like, $500.
Marshall: Yeah. Totally. But...
Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, sometimes you can do something right a thousand times in a row...
[flashback to Lily showing her paintings to Marshall:]
Marshall: I love it. It's a masterpiece. [cut] That's it. We're selling the TV. I just want to come home and stare at this all day. [cut] Somebody call the cops! My wife stole an awesome painting from the museum!
[back:]
Future Ted: But then, that thousand-and-first time...
Marshall: That kind of money only goes for real paintings. Uh-oh.

[Ted comes out of his room wearing his red cowboy boots. He puts one foot up on the coffee table]
Ted: Pulling them off.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Lily's first move on a great art challenge of 2008 was to display one of her favorite paintings at her friend's gallery. The night didn't go so well. But then at the last minute...
Woman: I love it.
Lily: You do?
Woman: Yeah, your top. It's gorgeous. Is that 100% silk?
Lily: It's not for sale! My clothes are not for sale!

Future Ted: [v.o.] So the next day, Lily took her painting to a coffee house that displayed local artists.
Lily: We've been sitting here for hours and nobody's even glanced at my painting. Come on. Let's start talking it up.
Robin: Wow! I really like that painting! It's neat! The... The colors are neat. The... The shapes are neat. It's really just... neat. [off Ted's look] What?
Ted: Observe. [clears throat] I think there's a dynamic quality to the brushwork that, combined with the fluid composition, creates an almost Kandinsky-like emotional resonance.
Robin: Yes, and you can still enjoy it even if you're not a pretentious douche.
Ted: Can you clarify something for me about your critique? Are the colors "neat" or are they more "neato burrito?"
Robin: Uh, then again, red cowboy boots.
Ted: I pull these off! [everybody laughs] I pull these off!

Abby: You know what I hate most about Ted?
Barney: What?
Abby: His stupid hair. His stupid, lame awesome hair. It's so stupid and awesome.
Barney: You know what I hate most about Ted?
Abby: What?
Barney: How he's always like, "Oh, I want to fall in love and have a relationship. I care about the people I have sex with." He's so lame.
Abby: He's so lame and awesome.
Barney: You know what he needs? He needs to see just how horrible he is when he's in a relationship.
Abby: Yeah, and I need to show Ted that I'm over him. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Barney: I think so.
Abby: You're thinking of having sex with Ted?

Future Ted: [v.o.] After four days without selling a single painting, Lily was getting desperate.
Lily: Painting for sale! $500! Lifelong dream hanging in the balance! It's like they don't even see us.
Man: Yeah, we're dirt to them. What do you need money for?
Lily: Oh, I'm trying to fix the hardwood floors in my new apartment. You?
Man: Heroin.
Lily: Do you like heroin?
Man: Love it. In fact, if you sell that, I'm going to take your money and go buy some more heroin.
Lily: Thanks for your honesty, Crazy Sock Guy. Oh, I'm never gonna sell this, am I?
Man: It's not very good.
[fast-forward:]
Future Ted: [v.o.] And just as she was about to lose all hope, something amazing happened.
Lawrence: Oh, my God!