Ted: Anyway, speaking of food, Marshall, I've got some bad news. Just read online, Gazzola's is closing.
Marshall: No!
Robin: What's Gazzola's?
Ted: A filthy mecca of spectacular, if undercooked, pizza located at 316 Kinzie Street, Chicago, Illinois.
Marshall: Back in college, Ted and I used to take these crazy road trips from Connecticut all the way to Chicago just for Gazzola's pizza.
Ted: 22 hours. No map. We'd just jump in the Fiero and drive. We were like Lewis and Clark, if Lewis and Clark peed in empty soda bottles and had a bong made out of a cantaloupe.

Marshall: Man, those Gazzola's trips, that's... That's when we really became bros.
Ted: Mm. We ate nothing but jerky.
Marshall: Drank nothing but Tantrum.
Future Ted: [v.o.] Ah, Tantrum. Tantrum was a soft drink with the highest caffeine content legally available over the counter. It was eventually discontinued after an extensive study by the FDA.
Marshall: Oh, man, we went through a whole case of Tantrum one trip.
Ted: I was color blind for two weeks after that.
Marshall: I think that's the reason that I pass out when I hear church bells.

Ted: I am ready to hit the road. I got baby wipes. I got a variety of jerky. I got six cans of Tantrum. Well, four. One burned though the can, the other one I drank already. [tears open a pillow] Tantrum! I am so psyched! Marshall and I haven't done something, just the two of us, for so long. Ever since he got married, he's turned from an "I" to a "We".
Barney: What do you mean?
Ted: Think about it.
[flashback to Ted on the phone with Marshall, who is at MacLaren's with Lily:]
Ted: Hey, haven't seen you all week. How you doing?
Marshall: We're doing great.
Ted: Do you watch the Jets game?
Marshall: We most certainly did.
Ted: How'd things go at the doctor?
Marshall: We no longer have a hemorrhoid problem.

Robin: Well, there's a citizenship test tomorrow.
Barney: A cit...
Robin: I'll think about it.
Barney: No, no, you have to do it. I'll help you study. We're gonna stay up all night long. I'm gonna drill you, and then we're gonna study. No, seriously. We're gonna do some cramming and then we're gonna study. No, seriously. We're gonna bone up on...
Robin: Okay, Barney.
Barney: Sorry. It's a rich area.

Lily: Road trip! So you guys want to talk about bitches? I'm kidding. They're called women.
Ted: All right, next stop: Chicago.
Lily: I have to pee.
Ted: Couldn't you have gone before we left?
Lily: I did. I just pee a lot. You'll see. [drinks from a giant bottle of water]

Future Ted: [v.o.] And by the end of the night, Barney had turned Robin into a real American.
Robin: I want to say Jefferson?
Barney: Correct.
Robin: Oh!
Barney: Archie Bunker's neighbor was George Jefferson.

Marshall: What are you doing? We can't just leave Lily. When she wakes up, she's going to freak!
Ted: She'll have a back rub and a crumpet. She'll be fine. Relax. Have some fun.
Marshall: I just abandoned my wife. How am I supposed to have fun?
[four minutes later:]
Marshall and Ted: [singing] And I would walk 500 miles. And I would walk 500 more...

Robin: How did you find me, anyway?
Barney: You called me, said you were never coming back. So, I jumped on a plane, flew across the Atlantic...
Robin: Canada isn't across the Atlantic.
Barney: You're talking nonsense.

[Barney and Robin in a Tim Hortons in Toronto:]
Barney: It's like an entire country without a tailor.
Robin: Yeah, give me two coffees.
Woman: $3.50, please. Hey, what did you think of the game last night?
Robin: What game?
Woman: The Leafs beat Edmonton. Beauchemin went five hole in OT.
Robin: Oh, I guess I missed it.
Woman: Oh, sorry. You're American. Here's your change.
Robin: I'm not American.
Woman: American money, didn't watch the Leafs game, no "please" or "thank you" for the coffee? You sure don't seem like a Canadian.

Kenny Rogers: [on tape] Sparky was my best friend, but after I married Helen, old Spark started to feel a little left out. For so long, it had been just me and him, but now he suddenly felt like Helen had taken his place. What Sparky didn't realize was, even though I loved Helen, I still loved him, too. I had room in my heart for both of them. But maybe I should have put aside some special ball-tossing time just for the two of us to make sure Sparky knew that he was a good boy. I wish now I had, 'cause old Sparky ran out in front of a Cadillac and got splattered like a watermelon in one of them Gallagher shows.
Marshall: I'm sorry, Ted.
Ted: I'm sorry! No, I'm sorry. I never should have been mad at you.
Marshall: No, I never should have brought Lily. She pees all the time, even at the apartment. Still bros?
Ted: Best bros. Hey, you want to crank some Van Halen just like old times?
Marshall: Hells, yeah!
Ted: Or listen to the Sparky book again?
Marshall: Listen to the Sparky book again.
Ted: Okay. Let's listen to it again.