[Lily is eating ice cream in bed as she talks to Marshall:]
Lily: [crying] We were gonna take cooking lessons together and we were gonna go on camping trips together and then we were gonna sit around telling funny stories about our cooking lessons and our camping trips.
Marshall: I know. I know. So, has the boat sailed on sex tonight or...

Robin: Okay, I should get going. I got a date.
Barney: You're still seeing that guy?
Robin: Even better, I'm seeing him naked.
Robin & Barney: [fist-bump] What!
Barney: I should go, too. I hooked up with this Chinese girl last night and I don't know, it's weird. I already feel like seconds. [they fist bump again]

Marshall: Okay, Ted, you got first whip!
Ted: All right. Hey, dummy, what did I tell you about smoking in here?
Marshall: Make him whip the habit! I'm so excited about this whip! I got whip fever! Just whip him, Ted! Don't even aim! Just whip him!
[later, Ted, Marshall and Lily return to the apartment building. Marshall is touching his cheek.]
Ted: I'm so sorry.
Marshall: It's just the whip's not a toy, Ted. There's such a thing as common sense, you know.
Ted: Hey, you can whip me if you want.
Marshall: I will, some other time.

[When Ted, Marshall and Lily enter the apartment and find Barney and Robin together on the couch]
Lily: Whoo!

Lily: So, how long has this been going on?
Barney: All summer.
Lily: I knew it, I knew it, I knew it! You guys are boyfriend and girlfriend.
Barney: He-e-ey. WHoa.
Robin: Wow. Whoa.
Barney: Girlfriend?
Robin: Lily? Slow your roll there, Lilypad.
Barney: Yeah, yeah.

Lily: You've been together all summer. I don't get it.
Robin: Okay, It's like this. After we kissed, we sat down to have the talk.
[flashback to Barney and Robin in the apartment:]
Robin: We should figure out what this is.
Barney: Yes, we should. Or. Or... [they kiss]
[later, in bed:]
Robin: Okay, now, we have to figure this out.
Barney: Yes, we do. Or. Or... [they start kissing again and roll out of bed]

Robin: We kept trying to have the talk and then we realized we hate the talk.
Barney: Yeah, the talk sucks. You have to, like, talk. And be all, "I don't know. It's not that I don't like you. It's just that I haven't had a girlfriend in a really long time. I hope it doesn't make you mad." Blah. Who needs it?
Lily: You needs it. Guys, you can't just keep hooking up and not at least try and figure out what you mean to each other.
Robin: Yeah, we knew you would say that. That's why we kept it a secret.
Barney: Well, that and the fact that elaborate lies really turn us on. [Barney leans in to kiss Robin]
Lily: No, no, no. You need to define the relationship. You need to have the talk.
Barney: Or. Or... [Barney kisses Robin]

Ted: I know what you're all thinking. Who's this cool peer of mine up in front the class?" I know the board says "Professor Mosby," but to you I'm Ted. [The blonde woman raises her hand] Question. Awesome. Hit it.
Blonde Woman: Yeah, here's my question, "Ted," who the hell do you think you are?
Man #1: Yeah Ted, we're supposed to learn from you? You failed as an architect.
Ted: Well...
Man #2: And if you're a professor, where's your hat and your whip?
Ted: They're at home. I...
Woman #2: And where are your pants?
[Ted wakes up in bed. Barney is at his bedside]
Ted: Oh, God. Barney, it was awful. I was teaching...
Barney: Ted, now's not a good time. Where do you keep your condoms?

Lily: I think what Barney's saying is that definitions are important. You're their teacher, not their friend.
Barney: Exactly.
Lily: If people don't know their place, nobody's happy.
Barney: Amen.
Lily: You have to make things clear.
Barney: Run tell that.
Lily: Define the relationship.
Barney: Yes! No! Lily, private convo time.

Barney: Lily, can't you just let us be happy?
Lily: You're not happy. You just think you're happy because you feel happy.
Barney: And that's not happy?
Lily: Of course not. You and Robin need to have the talk.
Barney: Why? Give me one good reason.
Lily: I'll give you 20...
Barney: Wow, You can't even think of one. Headlights. Dear.