Marshall: So, did you kiss her?
Ted: No. The moment wasn't right. Look, this woman could be my future wife; I want our first kiss to be amazing.
Lily: Aw, Ted that's so sweet. So you chickened out like the little bitch.
Ted: What? I did not chicken out! You know what? I don't need to take first kiss advice from some pirate who hasn't been single since the first week of college.
Lily: Ted, anyone who's single would tell you the same thing. Even the dumbest single person alive, and if you don't believe me, call him.
[cut to Ted phoning Barney as he plays laser-tag]