‘Benefits’
Season 4, Episode 12 - Aired January 12, 2009
After Ted and Robin get on each other's nerves as roommates, they discover that being friends with benefits helps avoid arguments. Meanwhile, Marshall is too embarrassed to use the bathroom at work.
Quote from Barney
Ted: Look, this thing with me and Robin, it's totally casual. I'm not gonna freak out if you tell me you have feelings for her. So, do you?
Barney: No. No, I don't. I don't, no. I don't. I don't. No. Robin is all yours, dude. Have fun with her. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go sleep with other girls.
Ted: Are you sure?
Barney: Yes!
Ted: Positive?
Barney: Absolutely.
[cut to Barney in a chair. As the camera pans out, we see that Barney is talking to Lily's class of kindergarteners:]
Barney: And then I stormed out. Why did I do that? I mean, maybe it goes back to my father issues, but... I basically gave my best friend license to have sex with the girl of my dreams. I totally sabotaged myself. And now I'm smoking. Now I'm smoking.
Lily: Get out.
Barney: But it's feelings hour and I'm holding Feely the Share Bear. And whoever's holding Feely the Share Bear gets to sit in the share chair.
Quote from Lily
Lily: Barney, this is not your private therapist's office. These kids have issues to talk about, too, you know. Ben's parents are getting divorced.
Ben: They are?
Lily: Who wants to do some coloring?
Quote from Marshall
Barney: Oh, great, did Lily send you? I don't have the bear, okay? I'm not giving it back! Why are you smiling?
Marshall: Oh, I just... read a magazine. Here at work.
Barney: What?
Marshall: Yeah. It's the funniest thing. I was online, looking up rates for hotels when I realized something.
[flashback:]
Marshall: This is stupid.
[back:]
Marshall: I decided it was time to let go of my hang-ups and do the thing I gotta do and once I made that decision, everything changed.
[flashback to Marshall carrying a magazine down the corridor:]
Woman: [inner monologue] There's a young man who's comfortable with who he is.
Man: [inner monologue] I know what you're about to do and I respect you for it.
Bilson: [inner monologue] Hey, Eriksen. Go the distance.
Kim Kardashian: [on magazine cover] You made a brave step today. Remember what Shakespeare wrote, "Virtue is bold, and goodness never fearful."
Marshall: You're right, Super hot lady who my wife keeps telling me why you're famous but I keep forgetting. Let's do this.
Kim Kardashian: Lead the way.
Quote from Robin
Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, in the winter of 2009, aunt Robin and I had just become roommates. And to be honest, it wasn't going very smoothly.
Ted: That looks good. I'm gonna get some.
Robin: There's no more milk.
Ted: No, I just saw some in the fridge.
Robin: Empty.
Ted: So throw it out.
Robin: The trash can's full.
Ted: So take the trash out.
Robin: I'm eating cereal.
Quote from Ted
Ted: You know, when I asked you to be my roommate, I figured, "She's a girl, she'll be neat." But no, you're Ogre
from Revenge of the Nerds.
Robin: You know what, Ted? Instead of coming up with hot off the press topical references like that, maybe you should spend a little time, I don't know, uh, washing a dish ever.
Ted: Oh, darn, I can't. I'm too busy leaving a plate of cookies for the magical elf who changes the toilet paper roll. Oh, wait, there's no elf. It's always me!
Robin: I always change it. You never do it!
Ted: That is ridiculous!
Robin: No, I went in there yesterday...
Ted: I changed it the last five times.
Quote from Ted
Ted: Well, guess we should just start having sex, then. [both laugh]
Robin: Yeah, right.
[later:]
Ted: Wow.
Robin: I know. It's like riding a bike, buddy?
Ted: Riding a bike upside down, maybe. Okay, listen. If this is gonna happen on occasion, we can't tell anyone about this. Deal?
Robin: Deal.
Marshall: Deal.
[Ted and Robin gasp]
Quote from Marshall
Ted: Marshall. Marshall.
Marshall: What the hell are you guys doing? What, are you guys, like, back together?
Ted: No. We're just having sex so we don't fight anymore.
Marshall: Oh, that's a great idea. No, really. Two thumbs up, guys. Hey, I just looked into the future and that works out really great for everyone.
Quote from Marshall
Robin: Well, have you thought about maybe not reading a magazine when you read a magazine?
Marshall: You gotta read a magazine. I mean, that's why there's magazines.
Ted: Otherwise, it's just time you're not getting back.
Marshall: Exactly. And the worst part is this: That stretch of hallway from my door to that restroom is a... gauntlet of... judging eyes.
[fantasy scene of Marshall at work:]
Marshall: [v.o.] You got my boss.
Woman: [inner monologue] We all know exactly what you're about to do.
Marshall: Her boss.
Bilson: [inner monologue] Hey, Eriksen, why don't you just move your desk in there?
Marshall: I can't believe he has a wife Donald.
Donald: [inner monologue] Oh, sweetie, so obvious.
Quote from Marshall
Marshall: Anyways, I just would rather do that here.
Robin: No, I'm sorry. This is our apartment now. Marshall, you have to read a magazine someplace else. Give me your key.
Marshall: Yeah, I'm not gonna do that.
Robin: Marshall.
Marshall: I seem to recall a deal being struck between three parties where in none would discuss a certain event that transpired. An event of the... [imitates a squeaky bed] ...persuasion. That key, madam, buys my silence. Good day to you both.
[later, at MacLaren's:]
Lily: You two hooked up?
Marshall: Thanks a lot, Lily. [hands over the key to Robin]
Quote from Barney
Barney: So, you two... slept together. That is awf... some. Awfsome. Nice work, Ted. Tap that.