Robin: Ted, I hate to say this, but I think it's nail the receptionist time.
Ted: I'm not gonna nail the receptionist.
Barney: Ted, every little boy wants to grow up to nail the doctor or the lawyer. Somebody's gotta nail the receptionist.
Ted: No. I like Stella.
Barney: Okay, I'm gonna stop you right there, Ted. Your little Stella is not so perfect.
Ted: What do you mean?
Barney: I went down there and checked her out for myself. Yeah. And while I was down there, I discovered that she had a secret. A terrible, terrible secret.
Ted: What? What is it?
Barney: Hold on, I gotta pee.

Barney: The same thing happened at the pet store yesterday.
Marshall: Pet store?
Ted: Single girl, mid-twenties, looking for a canine replacement for the boyfriend who just dumped her. Instead, finds Barney.
Barney: God bless you, Ted. You're reading my blog.
Ted: I'm really bored at work.

Lily: Ooh! That's the pizza. Baby, do you have any cash?
Marshall: Oh! You know, I don't... I actually... I don't think that I should have to pay, 'cause I'm not a fan of pizza.
Lily: [gasps] What?
Ted: Marshall, we've driven halfway across the country for a piece of pizza, literally, hundreds of times.
Lily: I once caught you eating pizza in the shower.
Delivery guy: Marshall, there's a cartoon of you on our coupons.
Barney: I'm not saying Marshall's a guy who likes pizza, but last time he went in for a physical, doctor says, "Marshall, you got to stop eating pizza." Marshall says, "Why?" Doc says, "So I can examine you." But seriously, we kid because we love.

Barney: That's all right, buddy. Sometimes, people make the wrong decisions in life. Like your mother.
Ted: What do you mean?
Barney: Ted, as you know, I've always been very, very fond of your mother.
Ted: Please don't.
Barney: In fact, Virginia and I shared a special moment back in 2006 B.C. Before Clint.
Ted: What the hell are you talking about?
Barney: I wanted to be your dad.
Ted: What does that even mean?
Barney: Don't you talk back to me, young man. That's why I cried at Clint's song. Because that bastard took her away from me. And now, all I'm left with is the memory of dropping her off at the airport.

Robin: And that would be Barney.
Ted: He means well. Well, actually, I'm not sure that's true.
Don: I think he's awesome. But I feel bad for any woman with the kind of low self-esteem who would actually date a guy like that.
Future Ted: [v.o.] And that's when I realized Robin never told Don she had dated Barney.
Barney: I like you, Don. We both love a good Scotch. We both enjoy my compelling stories. And we both dated Robin.
Future Ted: [v.o.] Now he knew.

Barney: Ted, you only think The Arcadian needs to be saved because some pretty girl thinks that. And seriously... Boobs?
Ted: This isn't about the girl. It's about the building.
Barney: And what did this "Zoey" say when she found out that you're the one tearing down her beloved Arcadian? That you, Ted Mosby, are the Architect Of Destruction?
Marshall: Whoa! Sweet wrestling name alert.

Future Ted: [v.o.] And so Barney agreed to give his dad one more chance.
Cheryl: Hello. You must be Barney. I'm Cheryl. It's just so, so nice to finally meet you. I love that suit.
Barney: Oh, thank you very much. And I love your... [looks her up and down] coat. I love your coat.
Jerry: Oh, that's your coat, Barney. I just took it from you.
Barney: Well, I do love it. It's doing a nice job covering up that chair.

Barney: Look, I have pretended to be a licensed therapist enough times to know there is something unhealthy about your not wanting to find out. Back me up here, Kev.
Kevin: No, no, no, no, no. This real therapist won't risk upsetting his wonderful new girlfriend by
analyzing her wonderful friends. [tilts his head towards Barney] No matter how mentally unbalanced they may be.
Barney: I hear you.
Kevin: I don't think you do.

Barney: You remembered all that?
Quinn: Well, yeah. I mean, you're more interesting than the lyrics to "Pour Some Sugar On Me" for the 8,000th time.
Barney: You know, it's funny. Almost every woman I've ever met was wrong to give me a chance. You're the first woman who's wrong not to.
Quinn: [to the barista] Large black coffee... and whatever he's having. It's on me.
Barney: The same. Thank you.
Quinn: You're welcome.
Barney: 1,700 more of these and we're even. Uh, the song just ended. That mean you got to get going?
Quinn: No. Do you have time to sit with me?
Barney: I don't know. You're wearing my watch.

Marshall: Whoa, he's awake. How'd you do it?
Lily: Nothing special.
Robin: Hydration, patience.
Lily: Quick, before he passes out again. Barney, what's the secret ingredient in Stinson's Hangover Fixer Elixir?
Robin: Come on, stay with us.
Barney: The secret ingredient is... nothing.
All: Huh?
Ted: I ate too much bacon.
Barney: Stinson's Hangover Fixer Elixir is a lie. That's the secret.